Destined

Night Night

Dizzying darkness dulls my deep dark desires.

Opening my eyes, I'm on the hard wooden floor of Beth's hallway with a pillow under my head an a cold wet wash cloth on my face. I fell like a ton of bricks, but do you blame me? I didn't know I was a father, of two sons at that. Why wasn't I told of this years ago? Then again, five years ago I was in a terrible place.

"You okay?" Her sweet voice overshadows many thoughts and a small sickly smile crosses my face.

"If the room would stop spinning Id be better." I hold my head and soon I feel pressure on my shoulders. Opening my eyes, the boys are on either side of me, leaning on me to look at my face. "...hi....."

"Boys, can you please go eat your dinner?" They silk off toward the kitchen and Beth plays with my hand. "I thought you knew."

"If I knew...I'm I wouldn't have waited five years to see them or you. God my head is killing me..."

"Stay still dummy." She places an ice pack under my head and smiles down at me. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"I get it Beth...you moved on. That's...good." There's no enthusiasm in my voice, jut pain and disappointment.

"Paul isn't exactly family material. He's off with other women all the time and ya know...he and the boys never connected."

"Did the boys ever...ya know..."

"Wonder about you?"

"Yeah."

"Of course. They've known since they were babies that Paul wasn't their real dad. They've waited years for you." I want to cry from joy, but it wouldn't mean anything. I ruined their lives waiting for me to be a father to them. "They pray to God every night to meet their real dad. For Christmas, they write Santa a letter asking him to deliver you to them."

"...I don't wanna let them down. I'm not like their expectations."

"Listen Gloomy Pants- I have told them all about you. About how strong and brave you are. How funny you can be. How all you want to do is help people. They aren't expecting super man or Ghandi- they just want their real father to love them." Slowly sitting up, I look at my hands and then feel Beth kneeling behind me with her arms around my under arms. She kisses my neck and lays her head on my shoulder.

"Well...I want them to be happy."

"Then you better go get to know them."

"What about Paul?"

"He's already filed for divorce. He's moving to L.A to be with this model. Huh, it's funny how things happen." Slowly standing up, I look down at her.

"They aren't...ya know...like me?"

"Very much so...not bipolar, but very much like you." Her smile shimmers in the lights and her blue eyes sparkle. "Luke has epilepsy and we're working on getting him a dog for it. Speaking of which, where's Huck?"

"He passed a few years ago. Liver cancer...poor bastard."

"I'm so sorry. Anyway, come. Meet yer sons." She drags me into the kitchen and the boys stop eating their mac n' cheese and stare at me. "Can I get you a plate? May calm your stomach."

"It's not my stomach that needs calming." She giggles and plates some cheesy shells on a dish with some chicken nuggets and hands it to me. I sit at the head of the table with the boys on either side of me. They look identical- I don't even remember which is which because they both are wearing the same shirt and have their hair styled the same. How does Beth tell them apart?

"Hi, Daddy!" The one on my right says, his hair spiked and face covered in ketchup.

"Hello..."

"Luke..."Beth whispers in his ear as she passes him to whip off the child's face.

"Luke. Are you enjoying dinner?"

"Yep."

"Daddy! Look what I drew!"Marcus gets off his chair and runs to the living room and comes back with a piece of paper. "It's Grandpa and Aunt Maggie and Uncle Glenn!"

"Very good..." I'm so nervous right now. Why? Their five years old. What can they do? "Luke, I hear you're getting a dog."

"Mommy says it's gonna be a fat goat reliever..."

"That's a Flat Coat retriever...it's basically a black golden retriever with thinner hair. I don't know." She sighs and wipes Marcus's face and hands. "Tell Daddy what else you boys got. What'd grandpa send you?"

"Birds!" The boys happily yell and my eyes go wide like I'm being held hostage. This is too much.

"Mommy can we go get them?"

"Sure." The boys run out and Beth notices my fright. "I'm sorry...this is too much for one day. They just really want to impress you."

"It's overwhelming..."

"I know. I'm sorry... this wasn't a good idea..." It's as if she's revoking my right to know them.

"I just...I need to slow down a bit. I wasn't fully prepared for this today. But I want to be apart of their lives. No doubt." The boys come back with two cockatoos and both are happily cawing and cooing.

"This is Jack! And that's Jill!" Marcus says as he hands the bird, Jack, to me.

For the rest of the evening, the boys show me things- toys, pictures, their favorites spots to hide, the games they like to play. So many things they are trying to catch me up on and all of them exhausting, but wonderful. At the end of the night, I stand in the hallway as Beth watches them brush their teeth, say their prayers, and climb in bed. Their nightlight glows through the crack in the door and I just stand in the hallway, staring at a picture of Beth with both baby boys in her arms. How scared she must have been. I should have been there.

"They want to say good night." Beth says as she opens the door. Walking into the room, I kneel between their beds and just look at them.

"Good night Daddy." They say in unison. Tears come to my eyes and I lean over each of them and plant a sweet kiss on their foreheads.

"Good night boys...I love you."

The look on their faces was as if they finally had their prayers answered. That's all they ever wanted I guess. Was a real father's love. It's going to take some getting used too, but I know I'm going to love being a father to my sons.