soleil | ohshc

Prologue

There are things I hate. I hate being left in the dark. I hate being lied to. I hate being punished with more chores. And I hate tomatoes. Not necessarily in that order.

Before claiming these specific things as something I hate, I had to first experience what it was like. It wasn't really the greatest of memories, but at least I learned and moved on— except for the tomatoes. Maman still won't leave me in peace without insisting I eat some for dinner everyday. Hence, I am punished by chores whenever she catches me either forcing- I mean, feeding it to my brother, or tossing it outside the window.

Moving on was one of the ingredients added to the formula that results in growing up, although it is still quite hard to grasp the idea of what "growing up" really is. I don't want to grow up, but I don't want to be treated as a child either; as someone who can be overlooked and ignored since I'm not a challenging obstacle.

My life wasn't always dark and cloudy. It was beautiful with drops of sunshine and fragrant blossoms. It always feels like a wonderful dream that cannot be returned to once woken up. I take in whatever I could and try to enjoy it, for that's how I could keep myself happy. Besides, I'm not complaining (although it's the damn tomatoes that continue to ruin happy moments).

Walking, jogging, skipping, laughing, joking, chasing, beating R̶e̶n̶é̶— I mean, as I walked down my path in life, with a few obstacles here and there, taking in new experiences and creating new memories, a few things were added to my list of hate. That is, until I came across one obstacle that I never imagined running into.

𝗙𝗲𝗮𝗿.

It came in like a 𝕗𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕙, and

    I

    didn't

     know

      how

       to

        process

       it.

I came to 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿 the silence in the 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤. I came to 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿 the storms that 𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚 in the sky and 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒌𝒆 the very ground I stand on. And I came to 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿 the loss of those I cherish.

And yes, I had to experience what it felt like before understanding how much I fear them. Of course, it took time to understand how to deal with the idea of fear, that just when I got the hang of dealing with it, in walked a new fear.

But I never imagined coming across it by someone whom I love to deliver it to me personally.

She walked in, wearing a beautiful silk kimono, with her hair tied in a loose bun. When her piercing cold gaze met mine, I felt my very soul shiver to the bone.

It took a while to understand the meaning of Grandmother's presence, especially when meeting my family and me for the first time. But the more she spoke to my brother and Maman, I felt realization slowly take over me. It was like drowning in cold water, as if the coldness was embracing my body, slowly digging its way under, before reaching my head.

When she departed, I couldn't process what was going on as Maman trembled next to me, before being embraced by my brother. He spoke sincerely to me in an apologetic tone while patting my head, explaining to not worry and remain as the crazy happy-go-lucky girl I will forever be, then pulled away from me. I couldn't reply, nor could I smile up at him reassuringly. It was as if this new kind of fear was mocking me, tauntingly waiting in the shadows before pouncing on me for a reaction.