soleil | ohshc

if you don't terrify people a little bit then what's the point.

I am someone who did not die when I should have died.

Sometimes, in a small blink, a small action, or by the small flap of a butterfly's wing, the world shifts to a completely new stream of endless possibilities. Endless changes. Endless futures.

I'm already living through another future, unlocked due to the small blink. But what if we go back in time, back to when it never happened? Back to when I was but a child and I've never decided to be angered by the mocking words of a boy who couldn't even stand with his feet firmly planted to the ground. What if I simply... walked away?

In that other universe, perhaps the sun would be in my eyes. A certain kind of light that does not exist in my eyes now. A light that could've been.

Perhaps, in that universe, I'd simply be lying down on the floor, my window wide open with the midnight breeze beckoning me to enjoy the beauty of Spring. It is completely dark except for the glow of the moon to accompany me during the long and mysterious night. Yet I wouldn't be afraid by the presence of the shadows or the dark. I'd simply welcome them in like an old friend.

In that universe, I'd be 16 years old. And in that universe, nothing bad has happened to me. Imagine the innocence you'd see in that 16 year old Nanami.

But no. We're in this universe. The Nanami of this universe has a past.

I've been young and innocent Léa till I was 14, and then mischievous and playful Ami after that. But after the long and endless night of horror, Ami was no more.

I'm Nanami now. The mature and older girl who always finds herself running out of time.

I've talked more about Léa and Nanami, both now more familiar than ever with their stories sprawled out for the world to read. But then there's Ami...

I want to open up about it. I want to write it all down to understand the story better. But I want to do it without feeling any pain. Without mentioning how much it hurt. How can the wounds be cared for without reopening them? How can I read the pain aloud without pulling it back inside me?

I have no answer.

But to reach the solution, there's only one way to find out.

So, I suppose a reintroduction is in order.

Let me reintroduce Ami to you, the girl born out of the absence of her brother.

And on the day she came to existence, she was rather...

"Oh! The pain! Such a big insecurity of mine! The fact that I couldn't cartwheel! What do I do when I'm so filled with happiness? How can I celebrate such a moment?! I have to just stand because I can't cartwheel! What a painful thought that is!"

She was an airhead... but an adorable airhead at that.

There'll be plenty of time to get to know her, but for now, let's focus on the present. And right now, although I wish to focus... it's rather difficult to.