Carry Me Home - A LEGEND trilogy (Marie Lu) fanfiction

8. June

I know that what happened between I and Day is so sudden. It even caught me off guard but sometimes, even if I know for myself how bold and strong I can be. I let those defenses fell away from me until I was completely vulnerable and unaware of how things are becoming.

And really, I don't even think that I will be completely lost all them at once.

I don't doubt even for a second if I'll kiss Day. I've been waiting for so long. And I need him in my life again. I've suffered much. And I can see the torture that the view of me had cause Day to remember what I really am for him.

We've been this close ten years ago. The first time was just how things are now. It happened here really in my apartment, on the same bed together for one night. Wherein Day is very unaware if I love him but I assured him. I love him so much that I can't help him at that time. In short, I can't help him because that will mean that I have to let him go. And I don't want to see him go away from my life and be gone.

* * *

The last time that I've kissed Day before this one again is ten years ago as well, two weeks after Day had woken up from his coma. I know that I shouldn't. I know that at that time, it is all his hallucinations.

That memory is all fresh in my senses. I came to his hospital room to check over him and bid farewell. That is around twenty hours, tomorrow at seven, he and Eden will flew to Antarctica to continue both of their medications. But sadly, he was already asleep when I enter in.

The room is silent and dark. The only light comes from the windows that illuminate the moonlight, with the curtains brushed on the sides. I really don't intend to stay for a very long time at that night. I just wanted to see him one last time and even talk to him if ever. But he is asleep.

That's why for a long moment, I just let myself cry by his side and memorize every angle and feature of his face. I watch how handsome he is with the light of the moon radiating on his pale skin, his dirty white-blonde hair becoming snow white color, and his closed eyelids that beneath them were his beautiful blue eyes with the other carrying an imperfection due to the fact of the government's experimentations on him. And I make a note on the rhythm of his breathing, on how his chest rises and falls whenever he breathes, reminding me that he is really alive but I always wonder if his heart is beating for something worth it? Is he alive just to let me know how much he loves me or how he really forgets about me entirely?

I brushed my tears away at that time and was about to leave, only to feel something stopping me. And I slowly look back to find his pale hand clutching my wrist. The paperclip ring he has around his ring finger is faintly scraping my skin. It looks like he is hallucinating.

I saw his eyes half-open and hear him mutter very softly, "I love you, June."

At first, I don't want to think that it is just a dream. I want to think that he still remembers me. The only problem I have is that, the moment that he was fully awake again, he'll forget about me.

The hold on my wrist becomes tighter until Day sat up and blinks his eyes once and twice. He pulls me with so much force towards him that I instantly fall on bed beside him. At least, if he is dreaming now, I can say that I am still the cause of his dreams or nightmares if ever. I wanted to stay right there and let myself fall. And I did.

Day's arms automatically surrounds around me. His dreaming figure seems like his romantic and gentle side whenever he is with me. He softly whispers behind my ear. "I don't want to see you cry. I don't want to leave you alone. I just wanted you to be here with me. June, I've loved you. And I love you. And I'll love you until the very day that I stop breathing." He stops for a while to pull me closer to him. His hands firmly around me that don't want to let go. Our torsos touching and we're so close. "You are my past, present and future, June. You'll always be a part of my life. You are my life."

He suddenly pushes me aback on bed and he was practically on top of me. His eyes roaming around me, clouded by a fog of dream filled with his memory of me. And I know that now he must be thinking that I might be part of his dream as well. Day's words also brought tears on my eyes. And I don't want to ruin the moment. He leans down wherein I can feel his breathing in my cheeks. My arms pulling him closer to me until I gulped in and we shared a kiss again.

It was just another night.

I don't know if I need to be happy or sad at that time when I woke up with his arms surrounding me at around four in the morning. Our clothes lying down on his hospital room's floor, the same way it had been on the first night on my apartment. But this time, it was I who woke up first.

I first look at Day's sleeping figure and remember that for him, what happened last night is just a dream. He'll not know or remember me when he finally woke up again. I gave him a kiss once and try to fight back my tears as I scramble to put on my clothes, arrange my hair, and with a final look at him, I leave him then alone on his room.

It pains me when I got in my apartment only to take a bath and be with Anden at Day and Eden's departure to Antarctica. And when I finally shook hands with Day before he leaves, I didn't realize the familiarity he has on me. He clearly doesn't remember anything that happened. And for him and I to think of another future for each of us, I guess it's better that way, though.

Even if I need to carry the pain alone because I remember what happened.

* * *

A month later that Day was gone from the Republic, I've got the early signs of pregnancy. It was really Anden who first notice how tired I have become. I've always told him how I wanted to be excuse with meetings and conferences because I am very tired. I also have headaches that I don't even know how to explain what the cause is. I even didn't realize that twice I've fainted in my apartment. I'll just wake up again lying on my apartment floor with Ollie looking very worried straight at me when I do. I even throw up every food that I take in for breakfast during the morning. It happened three days straight and at that time that I missed my period.

I've been so worried that I can't came up with whatever possible conclusion it could be, not having the topic that I might be pregnant on the list.

I just don't want to believe it but when I shared those things to Tess, she asked me to try out the test and got it positive. Only having Tess to ask me if Day is the father and I can't hide the truth from her, do I? She just asked me how it happened. That's why I shared what really happened a month ago.

Two months later, I lose the baby.

My little reminder of Day... gone.

But I've tried to forget about it, thinking the hardest truth.

I and Day weren't really meant to be for each other.