Tears were running down my cheeks as I dragged the blade across my skin for the seventeenth time. Blood was dripping from my arm down in the white sink. It didn't hurt at all, but I knew it would later.
I deserved this.
My parents told me that, people at school told me that. They said I deserved it all.
I was tired of it all, tired of getting called words, tired of being bullied and beaten.
I wanted to kill myself so bad, but something was holding me back. Or someone.
My best friend, Jacob.
I loved him, more than a best friend.
It was the fact that I was gay that made people do all this. It was the fact that I was gay that made me want to die. They were right, I was a disgrace, I deserved all I got. I deserved to die.
I silently sobbed as my blood made the sink almost completely red. Why was I even alive?
I put the pencil-sharpener's blade back where I always hid it, and let the water wash the blood from my arm.
It hurt like hell when the cold water hit my deep cuts, but I deserved it.
***
I was currently laying on my bed, listening to music, when my phone went off. I grabbed it and glanced tiredly at the screen.
Are you okay?
It was from Jacob. I didn't bother answering, just layed my head back on the pillow. Why was he even my friend? He knew I was gay (not that I had a crush on him), he knew what people said to me and did. But still, he defended me. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anything other than a painful death.
I could slit my wrists.
I could drown myself.
I could hang myself.
I could burn myself.
So many options...
My phone vibrated, and I looked at the screen again.
Ben, seriously, you've read the text. Please answer...
This time I turned it on silent and threw it across the room so it landed on the carpet.
Why did he even bother? He knew I wanted to kill myself, why try stop me?
I'm worthless.
I'm a faggot.
I'm a disgrace.
I'm ugly.
I'm not who I want to be.
If I was straight my parents would love me. If I was straight I would get accepted. If I was straight life wouldn't be like this.
"No one cares... Not even Jacob. Why are you even in love with him?" I whispered to myself. "I deserve to die. I deserve it all. I deserve everything I get. Why does he even bother trying to save me..."
"Because I'm your best friend, and I care about you," a voice said.
My eyes shot open and I lifted my head to see Jacob entering my room. He shut the door, and went over to me, laying down beside me. He looked worried.
Fuck, did he hear me say that I was in love with him. Well, it didn't matter. How could anyone love someone who doesn't even love themselves? Who has scars and cuts all over their body. Who wants to die.
"Ben, please look at me..."
I turned my head to face him, and jumped when I saw how close his face was.
"I care about you. I'll always be here. I won't leave. I'll always defend you even though you say you don't deserve to be. I will always tell you you're not ugly, worthless, dumb, a disgrace. No matter how annoying I will be, no matter what you tell me - like how you don't deserve anything I say to you - I'll never stop. Yes, you're gay. But you're still you. You have a great personality. You have looks, and I bet every gay guy will see that. They'll defend you too. You're not alone. And someone will always care, even if it's just a stranger. And quoting the song 'Spectrum', I can choose my friends and I can choose my family. If they won't accept me, then others will have me."
Then he cupped the side of my face with his hand and brought my face closer, his other hand on my waist. His lips was pressing against mine, and my eyes widened. Was he actually kissing me? Maybe this was a prank, or something to comfort me.
He pulled back and leaned his forehead against mine.
"I love you," he whispered. "I always have."
hope you liked it :/
