With you

Chapter 31: Left behind

Kris pov
I never planned to leave exo. Leaving exo meant all my hard work would be wasted. It's not like I was considered tall, beautiful and talented from the start. In my trainee days I was considered all but trash. No one wanted to spare a second glance at the average Chinese kid who somehow lucked his way through to an audition. But I worked and worked and worked more. Sometimes I fainted at the late am from exhaustion. But I kept going hoping that something would change. I kept going thinking I would someday be considered above trash. I still remember every single face that's ever told me that I wasn't good enough. The pressure was hard but I kept going for myself and my mom. I was raised in a poor household. My mother worked day and night just so that I could have an education. You would think that growing up poor would mean I didn't have the privilege to dream. But my mother never once pushed me to safe options. She told me," Yi fan, if you have a dream, follow it, life is taken too seriously these days. I want you to only be happy and to be and do the things you love." She made me fearless. I was never going to give up, that was for sure. But I've come to learn, life has endless ways of screwing you over.

1week ago...

" I'm sorry Tao but a facts a fact. That Armani jacket is cool but it's just way too out of season... Tao? Hello. Hello!" I shove my phone into my pocket smiling even though Tao just hung up on me. He had an interview today so I had been all but dying to hear his voice. When he comes back he's gonna eat me alive for dissing his favorite jacket. It's kinda funny how the best part of my day as a celebrity is teasing my cute roommate. My phone rings again and I frown at the unknown number but pick up.
" Hello? Who is this?"
" This is Dr Cooper from Vancouver hospital. Is this Kris Wu?" A feeling of dread starts to come over me.
" I'm sorry too inform you that your mothers brain tumor has gotten worse. She wanted me to keep you uninformed about this but, she doesn't have much time to live." The phone drops out of my hand and breaks. This isn't real. Someone wake me up from this night mare. How is it that my mother, my shining star in this harsh world is leaving me? I all but run out trying to get air, trying to stop the tears. Why didn't she tell me? Why did she let me be so happy when she suffered silently. I break out into the court yard and go deep into the garden. The tears keep coming without an end in sight. I can't leave her alone, that's certain, but I feel awful for the thoughts in my mind, in my heart. I don't want to leave Tao, I don't want to leave exo. I want to be a part of this comeback, a part of SM. But life doesn't hand you happiness. Not to people like me. Life was a bitch to my mother, guess it's her selfish son's turn as well. I slide down to the ground and lean against a wall. With shaking hands I book the next ticket back to Canada. With a comeback this soon, there's no way the company will let me go. But what they don't know about won't hurt them.
" achoo!" I scream and jump back. Something ruffles in the bushes. Hesitantly with a stick I make a gap in the bush and sigh in relief.
" Lay, what are you doing?" The younger boy blinks and wipes his eyes.
" Suho says I was apparently working to hard and told me to get fresh air. I guess I fell asleep?" My eyes soften a bit.
" He's right you know, you dance all through the night, it's no wonder you're always falling asleep...Promise me you will take care of yourself Lay." He smiles his dimple smile and nods his head. When Lay comes closer I turn my face away.
"Hyung, why are you crying?" I try to brush him off but he doesn't budge. That's the thing about Lay. He unconditionally cares about everyone around him. Without knowing it I tell him everything. The silence between us is strong.
" You hate me right? For leaving?" Lay plays with a flower,thinking of how to answer.
" Kris, I respect you a lot, which is why I can't lie to you. So hell yah. I'm so mad and so disappointed that this might turn into some big scandal that will ruin exos image for good. We all worked so hard to get where we are. I do feel a lot of resentment in my heart. But none of this is really targeted at you. I understand your situation and I support your decision. Your mother needs you more than we do." It feels like a burden has been lifted, but I don't think the sadness ever will. I hold onto Lay and he patiently stays with me, not saying a word. I've never been that close to Lay really. Most of my time and effort went to Tao. It makes me wish that I could've gotten to know Lay better.
" Thanks Lay, I'm glad I know you."
He gently squeezes my hand.
" You know, the other members will understand." I wince at the thought.
" No please, don't tell them, least of all Tao.Deep down I know that they will all understand, but I don't want to put such a burden on them, I don't want any of them to secretly resent me because they can't openly. It's better if they get it all out of their hearts, so they can grow and become better, rather than me holding them back. It's easier for me as well, if they let me go, rather than half holding me back." My voice cracks. The last part is about Tao. I want him to be happy. I want to see him shine. Even if it's not with me.
Even if I'm left behind.