forty-eight: baby blankets and rocking chairs
The rest of the funeral went as most funerals planned. There was a brief ceremony, people were given the chance to walk up and share memories of Liam but no one did. It was almost as if nearly every person there felt some sort obligation to be there. Louis sits at the edge of the row, keeping Nathan and Ethan in between Zayn and himself. Quinn is sitting on Zayn's lap, more than preoccupied with trying to get her shoes off. Louis doesn't dare look over at Zayn, not even after the ceremony was done. Louis and Zayn had elected not to stay for the burial, heading towards the car as Zayn tries his hardest to keep all three of the kids under wraps. Louis doesn't seem to be even acknowledging that Zayn was having a hard time doing so, climbing into the car and leaving Zayn to place the kids inside himself.
Zayn looks like he's ready to say something, but decides against it for he knew it would only lead to an argument... and argument Zayn would prefer not to have in front of their children. So Zayn stays quiet for the rest of the day, keeping to himself as he watches the children. Louis locks himself away upstairs, refusing to come down. The kids don't really seem to care much though, more than alright with spending time with their father.
It wasn't until the kids were finally asleep that Zayn decided it was time that Louis and he have a little talk. Zayn hesitates by the door, wondering if maybe he should knock first. He decides against, walking slowly into the room. The room was dark for the most part, the only light coming from the lamp on the bedside table. Louis is sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, a baby blanket in his hands.
"This was Nathan's... Harry bought it from the gift shop cause me being the dummy I am forgot to pack two of them..." Louis whispers, breaking the silence of the room. Zayn is still hesitating in the doorway, almost as if he was too terrified to enter.
"I was so scared back then, scared that I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of them on my own. I was terrified I'd gotten myself into a situation I wouldn't be able to get out of. I didn't want to screw them up." Louis says, finally looking over at Zayn who seems to take that as permission to enter the room.
"You're a good mother, Lou. You've always been good to our kids..." Zayn says quietly, making his way over to Louis. Once he reaches him, he kneels down in front of him and grabs Louis' hand gently.
"I feel like I've let you down..." Louis says, biting down on his bottom lip as he refuses to look at Zayn again. Zayn slowly takes the blanket out of Louis' hand, moving it to the side as he puts a finger under Louis' chin.
"You haven't let me down, Lou. You can't blame yourself for what happened, okay? It wasn't your fault." Zayn is trying his best to be reassuring, but he could tell just by the look on Louis' face that he wasn't helping. It didn't take long for Louis to break down into a new set of tears, reaching for Nathan's blanket and Zayn gives it back.
"How is this not my fault? This is what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to be a good mother... I'm supposed to take care of my family... but I am toxic." Louis shudders as he speaks, taking a deep breath as he closes his eyes.
"You aren't t-"
"Take a look at us, Zayn. Take a look at every single problem or misstep that we've made, I am the problem. I took the twins away from you twice, I ran away from every single problem we've ever faced. There's something wrong with me, Zayn.... I want nothing more than to just pack up and leave again because I-" Zayn interrupts Louis before he gets the chance to finish, the anger that he'd been holding back all day finally reaching the surface.
"Then stop f ucking running, Louis. For once, stay. Stay with me, with our kids and face the f ucking problem. Do you really think you're the only one suffering, Louis? I might not have been the one who was carrying the baby, but it still hurts. I'm hurting too but you don't see me pushing you away, you don't see me thinking about running away and I am not going to let you do it either. We're married, Louis. We face our shit together now whether or not you want to, so don't you dare tell me you want to runaway." Zayn keeps his voice level, speaking through gritted teeth until the end where he feels like he can't say another word. He could feel his own tears threatening to spill out, the held back emotions finally hitting him full force.
"I w-will find a way... to m-make this r-right... just-just don't leave me." Zayn sobs out, holding onto Louis' hands. And in the first time in their relationship, Louis was the one holding Zayn as he cries.
"I won't... I'm sorry... I won't leave... It was stupid... I shouldn't have said that" Louis chants, rocking in the chair as Zayn cries softly. Zayn sits up after a few more minutes, wiping at his eyes as he looks at Louis who gives him a sad smile.
"You and I, we're gonna get through this. We won't forget our pain, but we won't let it consume us either. We're going to be okay, Lou... but in order for any of that to happen... You have to stay."
"I will... I will stay... I promise." Louis whispers, running a hand across Zayn's cheek. Zayn grabs it, moving it towards his lips before placing a gentle kiss against the back of it.
"I love you, Louis. You are my home."
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HA.
HA.
HA.
HA.
HA.
I'M LOSING IT.
I
AM
LOSING
IT
like.
how the fuck does one end this story cause connie doesn't know how.
so i take suggestions. credit will be given if i use them.
dedication goes to
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connie xx
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Home (book four)
Fanfiction"Love isn't always perfect. It isn't like a fairy tale or a story book, and it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, love is about fighting to be together, it's about holding on and never letting go. It's a short...
