Freak tried Art (3)

Feeling Betrayed // vent? kinda?

Since Dark_Angel_7 totally ignores my posts on wattpad right now, I can post this here. And if she sees this, even better! Cuz I honestly couldn't tell her this directly. It's cowardly to do it this way but I honestly don't give a shit.

So, for you to understand why I acted like I did, I first gotta tell you a bit about my previous birthdays (you'll get it after you read the whole thing)

So, my birthdays were actually quite sad. I'd always end up running away from my guests to cry in my room. But the worst about that is that the party actually went good after I was gone. Figuring that if I was the problem, I probably shouldn't throw birthday parties anymore cuz why would you celebrate if the celebrated person was in their room, crying, while you had your fun? So I didn't give any birthday parties since my 11th birthday which went horribly wrong. Like, a huge bitch fight broke out and I was the reason. Whatever, so, the reason I'm telling you is, that this confirmation today reminded me of my previous birthday parties. As soon as I invite more than one friend, the friends do something together and totally ignore my existence in my own house. It hurts. It really does.

So, to this confirmation, I invited my two friends, Angel and... ummm.... let's just call him M for now. (No. That has nothing to do with his name. His name doesn't even have an m). Angel and M were on pretty good terms with each other from the beginning (that was the first time they met) which made me happy. In the church, everything went good and so on. But after that, I felt left out as the two would mostly talk to each other and one Angel would occasionally talk to me. But I didn't let it bother me too much. I hoped that that was only cuz they wanted to get to know each other. I was so naive.
In the restaurant, they constantly talked to each other and I felt like air. I tried to get angel to notice me but her attention slipped away as soon as M said a word. But that's not why I'm hurt. I'm hurt cuz Angel said that I was annoying when she first met me and that she didn't like me back then. But not to my face, oh no. She said it to M while I was staring into space (although it didn't seem as if she cared if I heard. Still, why didn't you tell me earlier. Why was he the first one you were going to tell him?). I heard it and butted in as happy as possible, hoping that I was still believable. That hurt. So much.
But then M went all out on pulling out a 2 year old story of me where I was this stubborn kiddo. (Can't even remember that day but whatever XD) No matter whether he meant it or not, the way he imitated me felt insulting and as if he was making fun of me right in front of me. I went along with it as best as I could and said something like "I'm still annoying and stubborn" and "yeah, cuz I'm a stubborn kid" and stuff. I think they bought my fake amusement.

So when we got to my house to celebrate a bit longer. (M made a really weird coffee which drew all the attention to him. I didn't mind it. Not at all cuz I really don't like attention in me too much.)
We three went up into my room to play a game. We didn't really end up playing a game together though. I already was in a bad mood so I was pretty silent which of course didn't really match with the bubbly me they know (which is not how I'd like to act but... anything to keep others thinking that I'm fine and to make them happy). After a bit into the game and of M and Angel talking while I was in my silent sorrow, M pulled out his cellphone and started playing a quiz game. Angel was pretty fast engaged in that and the game we were playing as well as I were absolutely forgotten and after a while of waiting, hoping their attention would return to the game but not wanting to say something cause they seemed happy, I stood up and left the room in a rush cuz I felt my eyes burning which is a sign of crying for me. I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour. And they didn't even bother getting up to see why the heck I suddenly left. Thanks. If you read this, Angel, now you know. But you probably don't give a shit.
I almost started crying but I luckily could hold it back. I got no idea what I would've told them if I came back with smudged make-up (my sis really wanted to have me wear make-up today cuz it's a special day and shit so I said okay. I hate make-up) and red eyes. So I returned to the room with the two sitting there, just talking boit games. I told them that M now had to go (cuz it was almost 4 pm and M had to leave at 4 pm) so we all went downstairs to greet him goodbye.

For some reason, Angel suddenly wanted to leave, too, which hurt me cause she said earlier that we'd cuddle later after M was gone. One tip, Angel: Whenever my voice is very low and I'm very silent and staring at stuff (intensely) and I don't play along with everything you do and I don't want to hug you, you most likely did something wrong and hurt me. Just so you know. For future conflicts if you don't hate me now.
If you noticed it, after hugging my sis tightly, I ran upstairs really fast. That's because I knew that I couldn't hold the tears this time and I couldn't afford crying in front of you. That'd make everyone ask questions and I can't have that. Also Angel, if you read this, please don't tell M... I don't want him to hate me, too. I know that's a favour a coward would ask for but if I'm already annoying, stubborn, weird, a Freak, loud and selfish, I might as well be allowed to be a coward, right...? Right?!

*5th break-down of the day incoming*

Well, fuck. I'm crying and a drop landed on my phone DX
I hate my life.

Also Angel, I don't hate you. I'm not mad either. I also don't feel sad. I'm just hurt cause god knows why. I don't know if I even got any reason to be hurt. I just... feel it. And the feeling is intense. I still wanna be friends. I don't wanna lose you but I feel like you already like M more than me even though you've only known him for a day. I know I don't have many good trades and that I'm annoying and selfish but...

Whatever. Angel won't read this anyways.

Btw, I'm just following you guys' advice. You told me to vent if I needed too and not to keep it all in if I couldn't take it. Good like that?

Also, I've been working on the feet amd legs. I think it's gotten better... right?