Not So Normal

Chapter 4 ~ Insecurities

   I don't want to go swimming. I know that's so weird, but I just don't want to. I don't like being in a swimsuit. People always ask about my swimsuits and it bugs me. I'm sure you'll know why soon. The guys leave our room to get their swimsuits on, and I slowly and reluctantly get mine out of my suitcase and put it on. Before we leave to down to the pool Lindsey gives me a hug and assures me everything will be fine. We go down to the pool and only have to wait a couple minutes for the guys to join us.

   The guys all jump in at the same time, and then Niall swims over to Lindsey and I, who are sitting on the edge of the pool.

   "Why wear shorts instead of a bikini bottom?" he asks. I frown and hear Niall ask what he did as the flashback begins.

   "You're not worth anything. You're ugly and stupid and no one loves you. You don't deserve to live. No one will ever love someone like you. Why don't you just go kill yourself?" he said, towering over my body that's curled up in a corner. Tears are streaming down my face and I tell him to go away. He yells at me for a couple more minutes, and finally he leaves. I sit in the isolated corner of our school and cry. I cry for what seems like a lifetime. He'd never liked me, and I don't know why. I literally never said a word to him up until the first time he told me I was worthless a few weeks ago.

   After school that day I go straight home and into my room, slamming the door behind me. I had had enough of this. I was sick of being bullied and told I was worthless. Luckily, I was home alone for a few hours. I went upstairs into the kitchen and found a nice, sharp knife. I took it downstairs into my bathroom and got into the shower. I turned the water on and did something I told myself I would never do. I cut myself. Three clean cuts across the upper part of both of my thighs. Why not? There wasn't anything else to do to get rid of the pain. No one cared enough about me to really see that I was struggling.

   This continued the rest of the school year. By the time summer came, my upper thighs were covered with scars; probably twenty or thirty on each leg. He never stopped bullying me, and he got a couple others to join him. No one ever defended me, no one ever cared. Maybe I really was just a worthless freak of nature, like he said. I was glad the school year was over and I wouldn't have to see him for a long time.

   I snap out of the flashback and find Niall and Lindsey staring at me, worry obvious on their faces.

   "Are you okay?" Niall asks, slowly. I shudder.

   "I'm fine," I say stiffly, getting up and grabbing a towel. I wrap it around myself and curl myself up on a pool bench/chair thingy. Lindsey comes over and rubs my back.

   "You had the flashback again, didn't you?" she asks softly. I nod, still shaking a little bit. I hadn't had it for a few months, and I thought it was gone for good. Lindsey is the only person that knows about  my scars and their reason for being there. She knows that's why I wear shorts and never swimsuit bottoms. I can almost always find some excuse to not go swimming, but who would pass up going swimming with One Direction? I should have known it would turn out like this.

   After a few minutes Lindsey gets me calmed down and coaxes me to go back to the water. Niall asks me if I'm okay, and I just tell him everything is fine. He doesn't need to know the problems of my past. No one needs to know.

   We spend probably two hours in the pool with the guys, and it's wonderful. We get into splash wars and play Marco Polo and every other pool game you could think of. We even play volleyball for a few minutes at one point, which makes me really happy because I love volleyball. I played in high school and I was going to play in college, but then I didn't end up going to college, so that never played out. It's quite sad.