Not So Normal

Chapter 14 ~ The Truth Hurts

   "I- I can't tell you," I  mumble, getting up from the couch. Niall grabs my arm and pulls me back down.

   "Why can't you tell me? You trust me, don't you?" Do I trust him enough to not judge me for the story behind the scar on my back? Can I trust him not to get scared away?

   "I do, it's just hard to talk about," I keep mumbling. Niall sighs.

   "Elissa, if we're going to do this, we have to be able to talk to each other." If we're going to do this? Does that mean?...

   "You- you want to do this?  To be with me?" I ask, looking up at Niall's face. He nods.

   "Can we do this?" he asks. I hesitate, but I tell him we can. "So what's it from?"

   "Just please don't think that I'm still like this, okay? Don't let it change your view of me too much," I ask. It's not that big of a thing to ask, is it?

   "I promise," he says with a tight smile. I wonder what he thinks is coming.

   "About a year ago I was extremely depressed. We had just gotten off tour and I had nothing to do with my life. I sat at home, bored to death, every day for weeks. I got so sick of it. I was having issues in my personal life, and there had been rumors spreading about me on Twitter that I had no idea where they came from. It all hurt. One day I decided I would just be done. I didn't need to live anymore. No one would miss me," I begin. Niall's eyes go wide as he realizes what I'm getting at.

   "It was while Lindsey was at work that I went through with it. I hadn't gotten a job yet, so I wasn't missing anything. I went to the high school a few blocks away and broke in. I went up on the roof and stared down at the concrete for a few minutes before I did anything. I didn't notice, but I guess right when I jumped someone was walking by. I didn't die, obviously, and this guy called 911 for me. The doctor told me what happened after I woke up from my coma a couple days later-"

   "Wait, so what's the scar from?" Niall asks, cutting me off. I sigh.

   "Just listen, okay?" He nods. "I could barely move when I woke up. The doctor told me that when I landed on the concrete I had landed badly, but had only cracked a couple disks in my spine. They had to go in and surgically glue them together or something. It was an emergency surgery, so they didn't have time to be careful and make a smaller incision. And that's how I got the scar," I tell him.

   "You tried killing yourself?" Niall asks, his voice barely a whisper.

   "And I regret that decision. Not a day goes by that I don't think of how much I regret doing it. I went to therapy for a weeks after it happened, and that totally changed my perspective. I was still depressed, but it wasn't so severe. I would never do it again," I confess. Luckily the public never found out that it was me that attempted suicide. The news just got told that it was a 19 year-old girl. If people had found out I just might have killed myself.

   "You could be dead. I could've never met you," Niall says. I bite my lip and nod. He sounds so sad. I wouldn't have told him if I thought he was going to react like this.

   "But I'm not, so don't worry about it," I say softly.

   "I need some time," Niall says, getting up and going to Lindsey's room, shutting the door behind him. I want to cry. I probably just completely ruined any chance I had with Niall. He's going to think I don't know how to handle life or anything. What have I done?

   A few hours later I go into the kitchen and start making dinner. Sometimes I cook to let out feelings. The fancier the meal, the more emotional or stressed out I am. That's how Lindsey knows how I'm doing most of the time, since I usually cook. I don't even really pay attention to what I'm doing, but 45 minutes later I'm setting the table for me and Niall. I made fettuccine alfredo with chicken, garlic bread, and fancy salad with Olive Garden dressing.