Rantipole //Joshler

XXXII

god i'm sorry i'm so bad at updating i've been busy with christmas school and my birthday and i'm so sorry :((

also; if you're sensitive to the mention of suicide please avoid this chapter❤❤ (it's small but idk)

Tyler's POV

I wake up to a bright light and a migraine. Brendon probably opened the curtain on purpose to annoy me. I squint open my eyes and I'm surprised to see that I'm not in my dorm. The room is all too familiar, all white everything. I turn my head to my side to see he's not beside me. My heart begins to race and it make my headache even worse. I struggle to stand to my feet and walk down stairs.

Just as I make it to the bottom of the steps the front door opens. Josh steps in with a McDonalds bag and my keys.

"I uh got your car and some breakfast." He stammered.

I nodded my head and walked ahead of him to the dining room. His sink was full of dishes and part of the table was covered with ungraded papers. He must be too busy to take care of these things.

It's painfully awkward. My heart is racing but I'd like to think I'm being portrayed as calm on the outside. He's always been so confident and good at reading me but i notice he's trying too hard to know what I am feeling right now, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

He takes his seat and I feel the butterflies erupt in my abdomen. God, no matter how badly I want to hate him I can't help but yearn for Josh every single time I see him.

"Are you going to open the bag? I haven't had anything to eat for awhile." I say, he had been staring at me for a few moments too long and I felt my stomach rumble.

His attention is brought back to the now and he looks surprised I caught him off-guard.

"Oh um yeah sorry."

I simply nod, I have nothing else to say to him. He hands me a breakfast sandwich and hash browns. I mumble a 'thanks' and I yawn before taking a bite of my sandwich. Josh just looks at me and I can't help but get annoyed. He didn't give me this much god damn attention when I actually wanted it.

"Is there something on my forehead?" I snap.

"Can we talk?"

"I have nothing to talk about with you Josh." I roll my eyes.

"Please Tyler."

"How did I even get here last night?" I press.

"I drove you to my house from the party you were at." He sighs.

"Why didn't you take me back to the dorms?"

"Because you were throwing up."

"Oh." I guess I shouldn't be mad at him for helping me out.

"Yeah."

I start eat my breakfast sandwich and Josh is still staring at me. I didn't get this much attention when I confessed my love to him more than once so I decide to remain silent.

"Why do you have to be so damn stubborn Tyler?" Josh breaks the silence as I finish my food.

I know I'm being stubborn but I don't care, he broke my heart.

"Can I explain myself to you?" His throat catches and I can't help but feel nervous.

"Fine but where's my car?" I ask.

"It's in my driveway I picked it up from where I got you last night."

"Thanks."

He doesn't say anything but I notice he's on edge, that's unlike him. He's always so put together, I envied that sometimes.

"What do you have to explain?"  I bring his attention back and he clenches the fist he has on the table.

"I don't like to talk about my feelings." Well isn't that obvious.

"Yes I'm aware." I smirk.

"Tyler, this is serious."

I purse my lips and wait for him to continue.

"I put a barrier between myself and others, an emotional barrier if you will. I can't explain it, I just don't want to get hurt. I like to inflict the hurt. It's oddly satisfying."

"It's odd overall." I interrupt.

"I can see how it is strange to you, but I am not embarrassed. I am not ashamed of who I am. But you don't know the full me."

He never gets personal like this. I start to fiddle my thumbs underneath the table as I grow even more anxious.

"In highschool I had plenty of friends, I was in a band, and I just got along with everyone."

I can't help but get distracted as he talked, I began to think of what Josh was like when he was in highschool. He said he had lots of friends, was he popular?

"Tyler?"

"What?" I ask.

"You're not paying attention." His eyes look full of emotion, they look different than any other time I have seen them.

"How could you tell?"

"I just could, can you listen?"

I nod my head and sigh, it feel like it's been ages sitting out here listening to him.

"Great. Anyway, my brother was two grades ahead of me he was on the baseball team and the swim team. The only reason I had friends was because he was popular, everyone knew who he was. Long story short he told his best friend about his sexuality, my brother was bisexual. When he came out to his best friend he was disgusted, he had told everyone about Jordon and I guess a few years ago it was considered a bad thing. To sum things up, everyone knew and everyone turned against him. People tormented him at school until my mom decided to get him a private teacher. Everyone hurt my brother both physically and mentally. He never left his room unless my dad pulled him out by his hair. I was the one who found him, my brother killed himself because of the hurt inflicted by other people. That is why I choose to keep to myself. To others my life seems very easy with my dad being the chancellor at the college and all. But the hardest part of my life is coming to terms with myself everyday. I don't want you to love me because of the way I am, I've never even been in a real relationship."

By the end of his talk his voice had grown hoarse and the tears forming in his eyes were hard to ignore.

"Why are you so scared to get close to me?" I inquire.

"I don't want to get hurt."

Josh, the professor who comes off strong,confident, and laid back is the one with real problems making mine seem pathetic.