The Come Up

Chapter 42 - Nothing without you

"Move closer to the mic, i'm going to turn down the music in your headphones so you can hear the notes you're belting. The first take was beautiful." I can hear Mac speaking into my headphones and when I look outside of the booth his lips match the audio in my ears. 

"Now reach deep and give me all the emotion you were feeling wen you got the news in the first place. Let me feel it. I know you're trying not to go there. I know you don't want to go back to that place but for the sake of art and your own lyrics, you have to push past that and let it consume you." 

His head is down, staring at the music control board and as the intro plays through, I take a deep breath. I had wrote this song on my way back to Albany after leaving Mom and Flex in the hospital a few days ago. It was honest and powerful. It was hard to write without tearing, let alone sing. But it needed to be heard, and it is exactly the right time to do it. It isn't another rap song or another freestyle. It doesn't have a hard beat behind it that makes people want to jump. It reaches out to you and grabs you by the heart. It forces you to listen. It calls you.

A ballad. 

Something slow and heartfelt. Something nobody would be expecting from a rapper who just been through hell and back. 

The chart topping record. 

Cece and Mac took a few hours yesterday sorting through the notes to make sure that my voice was ready to take on such a challenging song. For notes she thought were too high, she suggested a different note to take instead, but I turned all of them down and practiced until I nailed every single one of the original notes I wrote into the song. To say Cece was impressed was the least.

Yesterday she taught me how to project different parts of the song to get the right feel from the audience or fans. I've been singing all day so my voice is rusty but Cece insists that I keep it that way just for this record. It sounds a little like I am crying but I've stayed on every key so far. 

Devin composed the piano piece and Mac filled in some kicks and drums that were barely noticeable. He wanted it to be as raw as it could get. The only thing more raw than this is full on singing acapella. But I was happy I was doing this song.

Vocals and piano. 

A true ballad. 

The definition of a ballad is a song or poem that tells a story in short stanzas and that is exactly what I am doing. I know my fans will grasp the concepts and find out who each verse is about. The first verse is about my Mother, the second verse is about Flex, but will they find out who the third verse is about? 

I take a deep breath and lift my chin to sing into the microphone. The lights in the studio are dim and there is nothing in the booth with me apart from the mic and my bottle of water. The music begins again and I close my eyes and let it take me. I let each word ring out until the hairs on my arms rise up. 

"I curse the day that I lose you 

I've known no other love so strong 

Built me up like your soldier 

Raised me up like your Dawn 

The biggest part of me was knowing who you are 

You say the thanks you get is knowing i'll go far 

You are my everything and I see that you mean everything to me 

You weren't my everything till I almost lost you and realized I had nothing 

Nothing without you 

I have nothing without you" 

As I begin the second verse, I can feel the music running through me as if it is the very blood and veins itself. This past week really has made me realize that without Flex and Ma, I don't think there would be much to me. Ma raised me to be so strong that sometimes I wonder if someone my age should even have this much strength, the hood played a part in it too and Flex, Flex taught me so many things that I can't even put into words.