The Intern // 5 Seconds of Summer

Landslide by Dixie Chicks

I sit in my bunk on the bus, holding my pikachu to my chest. The drive is 15 hours but as soon as I got on this morning, I managed to sleep for nearly 5 hours seeing I got no rest last night.

I stayed up, tossing and turning, listening to sad music and I thought about what Luke said. His words still floated in the air around me and it was as thought I couldn't swat them away. Not only that but I couldn't seem to wash Michaels words out of my heart, even thought I drank 4 cups of tea.

Maybe that's really why I didn't sleep.

But Luke is always been kinda secluded, and wasn't one to talk about his own direct feelings. And Michael, maybe he could learn to shut his mouth.

I'm such a hypocrite.

I just roll over, facing the bunk across from me. I can hear all the boys talking in the lounge but its all mumbling to me. No one knows I'm awake, even thought I've been laying awake for nearly 30 minutes now.

Is this what life is like? Unless you speak up, no one knows you're even there.

I've always spoken up. And I always will. But maybe I should speak up about my feelings so people know they're there. Or so at least Luke doesn't try to strangle me this time.

What for him all worked up over the fact I don't enjoy talking about my feelings? Its no ones business how I'm feelings and I don't owe them anything so I don't see why I should tell them shit all. If he's trying to be a wingman for Ashton, he's doing a shitty job.

I don't need to tell Luke shit all and he can get his pointy nose away from my business.

I'd be a good time to eavesdrop right now but I'm sure they're not discussing anything important. They don't really talk about feelings around me even if they might think im sleeping.

I feel like I've been hit in the face with sudden realization of something, but I don't know what I'm supposed to realize.

My feelings for dad and Ashton and Luke and my mom and Lou are getting all tangled up in my head and I can't seem to place who said what to whom and who hurt me.

Who's my enemy?

Its not me. It can't be.

I just sigh and get up, with a text from Lou which says something along the lines of 'get along with the boys and spend time with them'. I sigh and head into the back lounge. Once I open the door and hear a little gasp, as thought I was entering into a conversation I'm not supposed to hear. But i don't care, really. Not to be harsh, but I don't need to tell them anything right now or talk to any of them. I just have to put up with them.

"Yeah but  you just played for nearly four hours yesterday." Luke whined, reaching for the controller over Michaels lap. I sit down beside Ashton cause its the only open spot and I can sense he's the only one not phased by me, or maybe the most mature in this moment.

Not that Calum isn't mature, but he's texting away on his phone and a big la-la smile on his face. Disgustingly in like with Beat.

"So? Today is a new day. More games to play." Michael said, holding it away and pausing his game. He smiles, seeing Luke's pouty face. He chuckles and continues holding it away.

"Let me play!" Luke pouted, pushing Michael.

"Fuck off, Luke!" Michael shouted as he shoved him back.

They sat back and fourth, arguing and pushing as I sat beside Ashton. He had his arm over the back of the couch. We could both smell the awkward air and just sat quietly trying to ignore it. It was kinda hard though, seeing we're on a  tour bus for the next 8 hours.

"FUCK OF MATE!" Michael shouted one last time.

Luke went to get up but I stood up, blocking the door way.

"There is no way you're getting out. If I'm forced to sit here with you guys while you bicker, than so should you." I point to Michael. "Stop being a little shit. Fucking hell you guys, grow up!"

What I said might of set something off in Ashton cause he stood up to me, facing me instantly and stand beside Luke and crossing his arms.

"You can't be so nice to us and change in the blink of an eye. Stop being so.. so.. so fucking bipolar! What, is there something wrong with your head? Daddy issues or what? Stop cowering away whenever shows any sign of emotion. Stop taking out all your anger on us!" Ashton threw his arms up in the air out of anger.

It's as thought for the first time I showed any form of emotion, other than anger, around them. I could feel my body slowly begin to shake. Ashton's face dropped with realization of what he just said and I looked at them, not able to move. I just blink, feeling my eyes begin to sting.

"Ryan, I didn't mean it." Ashton says in a quiet voice as he approaches me with his arms open for a hug.

I hiccupped back a little sob and their faces all showed instant heartbreak. I opened my mouth but quickly turned away, heading out the back lounge. I crawled into my bunk, put my two headphones in and closed me eyes. I shut the world off.

-

-

-

I find myself back in the same laying position as earlier in the day. But this time crying, sobbing nearly but i try my best to I be quiet. None of them ran after me so I'm at least grateful for that.

Who is he to think he can say that to me? To anyone at all, mater of fact. He doesn't know me nor my story, cliché but its true.

I roll over facing the inner wall of my bunk and close my eyes tight.

I just..

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Who is he to say that? Not that he's wrong though. Who am I to take my anger out on them? They did nothing wrong. They might invade my personal space and I'm a bitch and they're dweebs and I'm nothing but a demon and Ashton is a guardian angel.

I hear the door open and I tense up and squeeze my eyes shut. I lay still as I feel the breeze from my curtain open. I stay quiet and try and stop the tears from flowing down my face.

"Ryan.." Ashton says, and I feel that he sits down behind me. "I know you're awake. I could uh.. hear you crying.." his voice trails off.

I sit there with no reply, my eyes still shut but my body loosens up a bit. I bit my lip, trying to keep from yelling or crying.

"Well..." he starts off. "I'm sorry.." he says quietly. "I'm just gonna.." he sits quietly for a minute before I feel myself be lightly pushed into my bunk more. I tense up. "I'm gonna cuddle you, okay?" He says. quietly

"Don't. Ashton, don't." I say quietly and i know he hears my shaky voice cause he stops moving but then returns to trying to lay down beside me.

He lays on his back briefly before turning towards me and pulls me to him, my back against his chest. Even thought I am about 6 inches shorter than him, we seem to rest together perfectly. Like broken pieces from the same puzzle.

"Don't think of this as forgiveness." I say.