New 새로운 // BTS

6

"NO!"

I jolt awake, clutching my chest through my T-shirt in an attempt to calm myself down. My breath continuously hitches in my throat and my eyes scan the darkness rapidly, but to no avail am I able to come to terms with reality.

No matter what I do it still feels like I'm stuck in the same nightmare over and over again.

I need fresh air.

I quickly run into the hallway, not even bothering to slip into shoes or a warm jacket. The only thing I need to bring is myself, a pen, and a pad of paper. Maybe if I write out my thoughts I will feel better.

Maybe if I write out my thoughts I'll feel sane again...

As soon as I reach the small porch the sound of rain hitting the ground meets my ears. However, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. In fact, I actually welcome the rain, letting it slide down my cheeks and soak my dark brown hair.

The small part of Seoul that I can see from the porch looks incredibly grey. People hustle around with umbrellas over their heads like ants working for the queen. Everyone has their own agenda, and everyone has somewhere to go.

But where to I have to go?

I pull out the pad of paper and start to write in messy ink. The rain immediately almost makes it impossible, but luckily the paper is made to withstand watercolor which may have somehow been made for this very moment.

'The racing cars,
The squirming umbrellas all over the place
It's cloudy and the air is clear'

The ink bleeds across the white surface, but I almost like it better that way. It feels like I have so many thoughts, but why can't I think of anything more to write down?

'With a light grey background,
Why am I standing here?
I don't know if I have a lot of thoughts or no thoughts at all'

Slowly, I hold my palm out to catch some rain droplets. A puddle forms in my hand as I look into it, my face staring back at me. Alls I can picture is the dark circles under my eyes and my chapped lips. The last time I ate was lunch...

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately.

'The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul
I still can't fall asleep as I fade away
The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle
I see myself looking more miserable today'

I start to put my pen back to paper when someone grabs my arm causing me to gasp, "YAH!"

I stumble back inside, coughing out of the pure anxiety of being surprised like this. Whoever this is is about to get their butt kicked-

"Raejae-ah! What are you doing outside at 2:30am in the goddämn rain?!"

My eyes slowly look up to meet Namjoon's who throws a blanket over my head. I use it to reluctantly dry myself off. I hadn't even noticed myself shivering before the warmth of the building enveloped me.

"Are you gonna answer me?"

"I couldn't sleep," I whisper.

"So you went out in the rain?" He exclaims, "I'm sure that will help you fall asleep,"

"Joesonghabnida, Hyung [Sorry]" I bow slightly and start back to my room.