Midnight Talks #Wattys2017

thirty-six

"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of us acceptance and when understanding what scares us most is what becomes most familiar, most common place." - Fox Moulder, The X files.

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CHAPTER 36| KYLE

I WAS PACING OUTSIDE OF THE APARTMENT DOOR. Worry slithering my spine like a python ready to sink its teeth into my skin. Come on, come on! I hissed at myself, I had not too long ago staggered out of Ezra's dingy studio flat, stood in yesterday's crumpled up clothes, I hadn't slept. I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself, worrisome fears pounding like clockwork at my skull not giving up for a moment. I probably looked a right mess, not that I cared though. I stared hard at my door trying just to gather up the courage just to walk in there and just confess everything that was on my mind. I could do it. I knew I could. A clumsily handwritten note slipped from under the door towards my feet.

What.

Bending down slowly, a chuckle escaped my lips reading Evelyn's note.

"So are you planning on staying out there or...? "

With a little smiley face next to the question park, rolling my eyes I unlocked the doors ensuring to jingle my keys a little so she knew it was and not anyone else who had a key copy. She said nothing. Her body was faced away from me, on the dip of the couch, her knees brought up to her chin, her hair covering up her face. I also said nothing, taking off my shoes and my coat before sitting in front of her. She stiffened then relaxed under my hand. Slowly, Evelyn looked up at me, her eyes were a dull lifeless grey, the underneath of her eyes were purple and almost bruised from the lack of sleep. We both probably looked like. The Walking Dead rejects. Pulling back her hair out of her face I muttered a "hey".

"Hey." She whispered in return beginning to draw over the shapes of our matching temporary tattoos. Victor reckoned that it'd give me a stereotypical "British bad boy" status in the press "because my brooding good looking as and overwhelming personality will only get me so far." Personally I think he just wanted to make a giant tit* of me. So Evelyn decided to take my pain (metaphorically) and stick two kids Spider-Man temporary tattoos on our wrists saying that it added character (although she and Griffin ate four boxes of candy cigarettes each until they found matching ones).

"Confession, I hate it when we yell and scream at each other. It fucking sucks and I promised myself and you that when we first began this relationship that I wouldn't hurt you but I kinda failed." I confessed, she looked up her eyes were unreadable but she said nothing at first and just held my cheek in her hands. She becoming the fire to my ice and melting me slowly. "I mean the only substantial relationship that I've ever been in was with Christa and we both know how that's ended up. With you though I feel this so intensely. It's as euphoric and scary as going on a rollercoaster blindfolded."

She laughed at my analogy and shook her head so her hair began to fall forwards again. "You haven't failed anything, Kyle." Her smile faded, a sullen expression on her face. "Confession I'm a grenade, I never know when I'm going to blow which I why I yell, argue then runaway.I have these stupid expectations and ideas of reality but nothing's like a book. Reading was my save haven but it's becoming my hell. There's no calvary to save me from my own head, no man on a white horse to whisk me up, marry me and take me away from here." Her voice cracked slightly.

"Eve, I think Shrek and Fiona debunked that already," I joked. She gave me a pointed look. "Reading will always be your safe haven as long as you remember that their just stories. Beautiful accounts of people's mind illustrated on a page depicting the most amazing imagery. Stories help us hold on when we have no hope. And Eve? I agree, there's no man on a white horse and no calvary, but there is one not so normal guy and very peculiar band mates, his brother and your brother who will always be there and care for you no matter what."

Her arms wrapped around my neck pulling me in for a hug, she was warm and although she looked like a mess but she was perfect to me. "Thank you." She said once she left go.

"No, don't thank me yet. There's a lot I have to confess to you and you probably not want to be with me or near me anymore." She sat closed lipped waiting for me to speak. I stood up pacing again, they say in movies that it helped them think - it doesn't. My mind is going everywhere right now.

"Christa found me a couple of weeks ago at the bar, before Slaters birthday. I was mouthing off as per usual- I didn't cheat. I wouldn't cheat, it's a shit thing to go through especially when you care for someone. I couldn't do that to you. And she said her usual bullshit routine but I ignored it until I'm telling you now." I paused handing her my phone so she could see the texts.

'Kyle? We need to talk. I know you're ignoring these messages. xx'

'I miss you. Donnie and I broke up ages ago, we can be together again? xx'

'I see little miss Evelyn has a new guy in her life.'

'Matt came to visit me, we talked amongst other things. He's not like you though. ;) xx'

'I love you.'

She pushed my phone in my direction, disgusted. "And do you? Love her too, I mean." Her voice was tight, her face turned away from mine.

"No, I don't." I spoke honestly. "But that's not everything I'm confessing too." I felt like Beatrice in Insurgent having to be brutally honest. Not that I had ever lied to Evelyn, she was worth more than that. I just only have her so much truth to certain things, like how I felt.

"Confession. I was never much of a religious man before I met you, but I confess that I'm so fucking scared that I'll never be enough or that I won't tell you enough how much I fucking miss you whenever we are apart. I can't even begin to explain how I feel because tonne frank this is a plethora of emotions I've never felt before. And I don't want to be selfish but I can't let myself think that one day you may sleep in another mans bed and that you won't be mine because I'll always be yours, Evelyn." I said feeling a weight of uncertainty crumple from my shoulders.

Evelyn looked up at me, frowning. "But you always push me away, Kyle and you don't tell me things unless you feel like you've messed up but from the moment you met me you knew everything about me. You act like I'm this fragile bird who's broken it's wings but I'm not. I'm okay."

She was half right.

She's got you there. My subconscious told me, I felt like I was a mentos mint that has just fallen into a coke bottle because what I said I knew I couldn't take it back. "How could I fucking tell you that I don't want you to see how truly fucked up I am, Eve? How can I tell you how shitty it is feeling like you're going to leave me. Truth is I'd rather push you so damn far from where I am than corrupt or what any further her than I have. You said you were like a grenade that could go off at any moment but I'm supposed to be your anchor but I feel like I'm causing you to drown. I'm like a shark - the second I stop moving, I'm as good as dead."

"Just like that Kyle! Why do you think I'm going to leave you? I'm right here." Our hearts were pounding as we both attempted to catch our breath, all these emotions flooding the air revealing to each other how we both truthfully were. "I'm not leaving you, Kyle." Her voice was faint, but her eyes said something entirely different from my lips. Her hands brushed against my cheek, caressing my face gently. I felt as if every facade, every wall I had built up had just came tumbling down and I was too far gone to keep the debris from falling.

Evelyn Grey, what are you doing to me?

                                    ****
*I AM MARGINALLY AWARE THAT SOMEONE MAY NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF EVERY BRITISH SLANG WORD, especially this outdated? It just means foolish.

Anyway, it's short, yes. But it kinda has to be? For the events that's happening in the next four chapters.