Scars That Heal (Dramione Fanfiction) [COMPLETE]

25 - Make or Break

*Trigger Warning: References to Suicide*

Hermione thought that as time went on she would feel better. Time heals, doesn't it? But it certainly didn't for her. The only way she knew to cope with her problems, whatever they were, was to either deal with them or to bury herself in other work instead. There was nothing she could do to deal with this one, so Hermione piled herself with homework and extra revision.

It all got too much sometimes. She missed the Hogsmeade day that weekend, and avoided the others at mealtimes. She couldn't keep talking to them. Feeling happy was so wrong. How on earth should she be able to feel good after something so terrible had happened? It was insulting to her father's memory to forget him even for a moment.  It was easier to pretend she was busy, and fill the gaps in her mind with excess knowledge rather than pain. Her father's death was really hitting her hard, and there was nothing she knew that could help any part of it. On top of that, she still had work she needed to catch up with from her visits to St Mungo's, and her test results were still barely touching the pass grade. None of the teachers would give her extra coaching though - they said she needed to be less harsh with herself, and to give herself time to adjust after such a life-changing week. But they didn't understand! She couldn't afford to slow down at this point; NEWTs were only four months away, and every day she spend wallowing in her sadness was a day wasted for achieving her potential.

Hermione found herself becoming isolated. She didn't eat much, because the constant sickness that came with her misery overrode her better judgement. The dreams attacked viciously and thoroughly, and there was no point risking being caught going to the Tower if it meant a referral to Professor Clark. So she carried on taking her Sleeping Potion, and trying to fight through the veil it placed over her mind. Her friends tried to spend time with her, either encouraging her to have fun with them or to study in a group, but Hermione brushed them off. She needed to focus, and they weren't going to aid her results.

She found herself having regular panic attacks in lessons and before going to bed. If Malfoy was around he would help, but often he was treading on eggshells around her too. He was clearly worried for her, but was too afraid of doing more damage that he was of separating himself from her. Hermione wished dearly she didn't have to push him away, because he was a constant reassurance; his presence made her happier, and he reminded her of her own worth. She had helped him, and he helped her - but she couldn't keep asking him to help her. He had done enough, and Hermione had to deal with things herself. She couldn't expect him to dig her out every time.

There had been two Support Sessions since Hermione's father died, and she asked Ginny to lead both of them. She wasn't in any position to help other with their problems. Instead Hermione locked herself away, trying hard to forget she had ever been content.

Had she ever been happy? Yes? But it all seemed so far away now, barely within hearing. Hermione wondered if she could carry on like this. But how could she not? She couldn't give in to all of this, there was no other way than to keep fighting.

Or was there?

She could give in, she supposed. No more hurt, no more worries. She could take it all away if she wanted to. Hermione could be free. This terribly invasive thought liked to follow her around like a tantalising smell. No, she couldn't. There was no way accident would grant her that, so the only other way would be to... To end it herself. No, she couldn't. Could she? Maybe it would be easier. Maybe it wasn't worth trying any harder.

Whenever these thoughts swam too deep in her mind, Hermione would remember Malfoy's words: "You coped it for a few hours just now, so all it takes is a few more and you've coped for a whole day. A few days and it's a week, then a month, then a year. I'm not asking you to think that far ahead now, but if you can last to the end of the day, that's enough." She could manage that long. Hermione could survive a few hours longer, if that's all it took. Hermione had to force those feelings down but didn't know how.