Lost in Austen: Reborn

Chapter 36 - To Repine

Seldom, very seldom does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken; but where, as in this case, though the conduct is mistaken, the feelings are not, it may not be very material. - Jane Austen, Emma

Quill scratched upon paper as I spun what I hoped was a perfect letter. Sitting at Lydia's bedside, I placed another cool compress on her head and glanced down at several crossed off words. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed in defeat and dropped both hands to my lap. I looked down at my ink-stained fingers which had, no doubt, smeared my cheeks and nose. I clutched at the letter as if doing so would will him back to me. How could I write to Darcy when I did not know where he had ended up? For all I knew, he could still be in my world with Michael, Pirhana, and mum.

Dearest Fitzwilliam,

I am writing this letter to you hoping you are safe in Pemberley. I am at Longbourn. I hope you have not given up on us. Have I put you through too much?

We are apart, and I cannot bear it any longer. I wish to see you, to be in your embrace once more.

Dearest love, be safe, be joyful, come back to me,

Elizabeth Bennet

With a disappointed sigh, I drew a large X on the entire letter. These words were not doing my love for him any justice. What was I going to say anyhow? I am sorry I let go of your hand like an imbecile, but, do you still love me? Hello, love of my life, my younger sister crashed the carriage, and at present, we are poorer than usual, but, you still love me, right? If he was in Pride and Prejudice, what if he did not want to come back? It would have been agreeable to hope for the best outcome, but, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. What if it was all over? I did not want it to seem like I was begging. Was I desperate? Perchance. Was I going to let everyone know? No. Not even the man of my dreams. Form an orderly line gents; I was quite the catch.

The black X glared back at me, accusing and judging as if Mrs. Bennet were wagging an accusatory finger in my face. Did I not know my station as Caroline Bingley had implied? Would time apart make him realize I was a passing fancy? What if he had fallen out of love and did not know how to break the news to me?

The sun broke free from the cerulean sky, and the sublime sonata of birdsong filled the air. The new day mist rolled across the downs carrying with it the truth of what my life was becoming. Had I been reduced to a woman pining for a man who could have been gone for good? I gulped, feeling my heart twitch at the idea of losing him.

No, I scolded myself, no you cannot think these thoughts. You do not have time to consider yourself. Not anymore.

I had to think of everyone else, even if it meant having to give up on what I wanted most. I heard a painful moan and dropped my quill and stationery on the floor, splashing a bit of ink on my failure of a letter. I took hold of Lydia's hand and watched as her eyes opened. She tried to sit up, but I told her not to move. I explained the doctor's orders, and she fell back into bed.

She placed balled up fists on her temples, "It feels as though my head is in a vise."

"I understand," I soothed. "Try not to talk. I will call for the doctor."

"He told me he loved me."

"Who? The doctor?"

"Certainly not!" Lydia scrunched up her face, "Why would you believe such a thing?"

"We were just discussing him."

"No."

"Were you referring to Mr. Palmer?"