the journal - h.s.

61

[harry's pov]

"What are you doing?"

I rolled my eyes while tensing up, as I felt the waves of pure annoyance wash in over me. Annoyance. At least it was something different from the numbness I had deluded myself into over the past 12 hours alone. An actual feeling besides agony.

"So... where are you going?" Jenny kept pressing on, as I had torn the front door open. I spun around to look at her - more than annoyed at this point. She was leaning against the wall of the hall with her painfully red hair collected with a pencil in a bun. Arms crossed over her chest she didn't even flinch at my utter most poisoned voice, "for a run if that's not already far past the state of fucking obvious, Jenny."

I turned to the door again; she didn't understand neither knew. And it wasn't her fault. I couldn't help myself. It was my fault. Entirely mine. I knew that. Though I had still not found a proper reason during the night, I still just knew. It had been exactly 12 hours and 13 minutes since I had last seen Amber. Half a day. My heart was hurting. No, no not even hurting. It felt like it wasn't even there, as if she had forcefully ripped it out as she had backed away. As if I only had this big empty hole in the upper left side of my chest. There was nothing.

I tore the door closed behind me, having it make a loud bang and pulled up the grey hoodie, before storming down the stairs.

I hadn't been sleeping at all. How could I? I feared the nightmares would return; I couldn't handle them aswell with how I felt right now. One thing was seeing that kite I usually dreamt of - with the weird pattern that shaped my mother's eyes. Another was the brutal nightmares, the kind that would have me waking up sweating, shaking, sometimes even with my heart beating out of my fucking chest. Usually people found sleeping to be an escape from reality - for me it had been a personal hell. That was right until I had met Amber Moore, but now she was gone. Now I had made me her personal nightmare.

I didn't dare to sleep - too frightened of what would happen. I wasn't sure I could take it if I even just merely dreamt of her steping away from me like that again. Whether I would wake up Jenny from shouting in my sleep or just go insane - but had I not already?

I started running. Hoping badly it would have the effect I was searching for. It didn't take long to reach the park, which still had a thin layer of frost, that the late morning sunbeams hadn't been able to defeat. My breath came out visible in the cold air.

What had my mistake been?

I sped up needing to feel that physical pain from exhaustion I knew far too well. That was easier to handle. Easier to handle than the pain from having your heart fucking brutally ripped out, just after having had it shattered to an amount of pieces that would match the amount of fucking stars. Or so it felt.

Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck had I done wrong!

I speeded up, my breath growing more hectic. I couldn't even see how beautiful the scenery around me was, how the mist was slowly rising between the black trees, which trunks were dark from the humidity.

All I could fucking see was her eyes filled with tears. All I could see was pictures flashing before my eyes. Step back. Eyes with pain. Tear rolling down. Arm covering chest. Step back. Eyes with pain. Tear rolling down. Lips moving forming 'I can't'. Step back -

I ran faster. Not able to catch my breath anymore, but I didn't give a fuck. I wanted it to hurt. Hurt so badly it dulled the rest. So much it would make me pass out, so I wouldn't have to be so fucking pathetic. How the fuck had she managed to already mean so much to me, that it could possibly hurt so much. How had she managed to completely enchant me like that?