Shadowed Sun

Interlude - Kakashi

Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

He knew that. He knew that and hated it about himself. When he first lost his father, instead of dealing with the grief, he chose to run away from it. To submerge himself in the shinobi protocol in some vain and pointless attempt to shove away his feelings.

When he lost Obito, instead of dealing (once again) with it, he chose to ignore it. He didn't ignore Obito's sacrifice, no, no. He chose to ignore his grief, his emotions. When he lost Rin, it was the exact same. So finally, when he lost the last person he had ever loved—Minato—he did what he always did.

He ran away.

He threw himself into the ANBU with suicidal vigor. Half of him desperately wanting to be killed on a mission, the other half of him desperately wanting someone to pull him out of that Kami-awful division. He was in ANBU for approximately five years before the Third Hokage yanked him out, stating his emotional unbalance was too risky to allow him on missions.

Kakashi was quick to disagree, but he made the fatal claim of having no emotions.

It was a miracle in itself that the Third Hokage hadn't forced him into more than a month's worth of therapy.

Kakashi was then on leave from shinobi duty for roughly six months. He trained, of course, but he was a recluse. He knew he had to deal with his emotions, but he just couldn't really figure out how.

There was just so much pain and it was just so unbearably lonely, it seemed almost too much. Kakashi was immersed in grief, self-loathing and absolute turmoil. It took him all of his leave to just be able to find the motivation to do anything. He was tempted, so very tempted, to just follow after them.

But he wouldn't do that. He would never follow his Father's footsteps in that manner, just as he would never disgrace Obito's sacrifice like that. So he managed, somehow, to push himself back up onto his feet. He forced himself back into shinobi duty and after another few months in, he felt relatively stable.

That was, until she came along.

Kakashi knew about Naruto and Miwako. How could he not when it was the Third Hokage himself who asked him to care for them? Kakashi had turned him down. Then—and now, really—he couldn't bring himself to care for them in the same way Minato had for Kakashi.

Then, he was too young, too unstable to really handle his beloved sensei's precious children. He knew he couldn't ever forgive himself if something happened to them while they were in his care. So he just nipped that possibility at its bud.

He was guilty, horrendously so, at essentially abandoning them, but he just could not see anything good coming out of him raising them. He couldn't even protect a single person he loved. In fact, he had indirectly murdered three of them.

His father, by never accepting him after that failed mission. Obito, for more obvious reasons and Rin for even more obvious reasons. He couldn't risk that with them. Not with them.

So he ignored them. It was so easy to do that. To just run away from them, like the coward he was. They didn't know about him, so they couldn't ever search him out. Couldn't ever rely on him, couldn't ever place expectations on him. He could just slip under their radar and stay hidden for the rest of his life.

That was until she came along.

The Third Hokage wanted the twins to be looked after. Wanted the twins to be in happy family; to be loved. He was so very disappointed when neither Kakashi or Jiraiya would bring them in. The Third didn't press Kakashi, for even he could see how undone the teenager was, but he was still disappointed that even after all this time, Kakashi hadn't bothered to fulfill his duty.