Riley and Devin

Chapter Thirty

My feet trip over themselves as I push Devin away from me and run out of the room that's entirely too suffocating. My hands clutch my stomach as I run out of the hotel. It feels like someone took a knife and put it right through me and there a gaping hole. I feel bile in my throat.

I can start to breathe once I'm a couple of blocks away from the stupid fucking hotel. I sit down on a bench and hold my stomach. "Fuck!" I say. There's really no one around. I look at my watch, it's 2 in the morning. No place is going to be open and there's no chance I'm going back.

I look up and across the street there's a small all night diner open. I fish a crumpled ten dollar bill out of my pocket and walk across the street. I take a seat in a small booth. "Hi, I'll be your server today. What can I get you?" she asks.

She's young, around my age. "A coffee and pancakes," I say. I add the last part because if I'm going to be here I might as well get something other than a two dollar cup of coffee. She scribbles something down and then walks away. A couple of minutes later she comes by with my coffee.

I nod and then go back to looking out the window. I tell myself I'm not going to think about him but my mind wanders anyway. Tears burn in my eyes as I think about the look in his eyes.

And then how I felt-feel. It felt right to be with him, and it always has. I always felt something lurking under the surface and now I know what it is.

I like Devin.

I like my best friend.

And he doesn't like me.

"Fuck, Riley," I say softly. How the hell could that have happened? He's like a brother. I've known him since we were in Kindergarten. "Shit!" I hiss. I drop my head into my hands. I fucking like my best friend.

And after we made out, he looked at me with regret. That's not a good sign. At all.

At this point, I am, essentially fucked.

The waitress comes by with my pancakes. I thank her and take a drink of my coffee. The pancakes stare at me. I stare back at them, trying not to think of Devin. I take another drink of my coffee. I finish it and she refills my cup. I bring my knees to my chest and sip the cup as I look outside.

I've been here a while. Just thinking. And thinking. And wishing and praying and hoping. I watch the sun start to rise. I finish the rest of my coffee and the waitress comes by. I hand her my ten dollar bill and leave. I walk back to the hotel. It's 5 in the morning. I'll probably own alt get a few hours of sleep.

I walk through the hotel doors and up to the room. I use my key to let myself in. I luckily had it stashed in my pocket. I take off my shoes and creep past Theo and Nick, who are both passed out. I slide into my side of the bed. I don't go under the covers and I face the window so I won't look at Devin.

He's so close and yet so far. I want to do nothing more and to reach out and stroke his face. Run my hands through his hair. But I don't and I won't. I will not let myself.

My eyes close.

I wake up a couple of hours later.

I don't wake up in Devin's embrace for the first time in my life.

It's 9 my watch tells me. Everyone is still asleep. I change quickly, brush my teeth and brush my hair. I grab my messenger bag and leave a small note telling the boys I went to get breakfast.

I leave. I walk around the hotel and then walk out of it. I walk around looking for a place to eat. I'm not really hungry but at least it feels like I have something to do. I end up at a little cafe.

I get a coffee and a scone and sit down. I sit tucked into a back corner. I drink my coffee. I set my coffee down and my hand brushes my thigh. Memories of Devin flood into my brain. He keeps one arm under my thighs to support me and his other hand brushes the bare skin of my back. His lips kiss my neck...

I force myself to think about normal things. Regular things. I grab my coffee and take the lid off. I dip my scone in and take a couple of bites. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

I set my stuff down and stick my earbuds in so I can retreat into my mind. I try not to think about Devin, but my mind goes there anyway. I allow myself to think about him. Because if I don't going to go insane.

I think about all of the memories I have of him. Kindergarten, middle school. Going to movies and having sleepovers. Talking under the covers and spilling secrets. I think about high school and how he's always been there for me.

And then I realize that if I thought I was fucked, it doesn't even compare to now.

Because now, now I realize that I love him.