Riley and Devin

Chapter Seventy-Six

"What did you just say?" I ask him. I don't think I heard him right.

"I love you Riley. And I've loved you forever and I always will love you. And I've been so stupid trying to ignore it for all these years. But I love you," he says. "And I hurt you. I hurt you so terribly and I regret it every day. Every day, Riley. I really hurt you because I was scared and stupid. And-" he says. But it's too painful for me to hear. I have to cut him off.

"Do you know what you did to me?" I cry out. "You broke me! You broke me, Devin! You broke me and you broke my heart. And I had to pick up your mess I had to tape myself back together and I had to keep living. I woke up screaming and crying and I slept so many days away trying to get a glimpse of you. But I mourned you and I mourned my heart and I filled all of those gaping holes with glue. And I accepted the fact that I fell in love my best friend. I accepted the fact that you didn't love me. I accepted the fact that I fucked up."

I look at him. "And now for you to say that you were lying and that you're sorry that you lied. It-it just it doesn't work. Fuck you! Okay? Fuck you! You made your choice and I'll never stop loving you but I can't deal with you and all of your bullshit and your lies," I say.

"But Riley, I love you," he says. "And you love me."

"It's not enough. Not anymore. I can't. I've cried. And I've cried and I've been sad and I've been depressed. You weren't there for me. No, you were just the one who broke me. And you know who was there for me? Landon and TJ and Colin. But not you, Devin. Not you. You made your choice and now you have to deal with the consequences," I tell him. I have no idea where all of this is coming from.

"You have no idea what I went through," Devin says.

"Let me guess: Whores and liquor? Just like your old man, huh? And all those fucking sluts, they never made you happy, did they? You could have any girl you wanted, except me. So naturally when they weren't enough, you had to find someone else to toy with? The one girl you couldn't have. Well guess what? I'm done! I'm done being your fucking toy! I'm done!" I yell. I start walking away.

"You're not wrong," he says, "I did go through a lot of girls and a lot of parties. But I was trying to hide. Trying to hide from myself. But I've loved you ever since kindergarten. And I've loved you through everything. I realized it a couple years ago and it scared the living shit out of me because how could you ever love me? How could you ever see me as anything other than a friend or a brother? So I hid it. I tried to pretend I didn't, but I did, and I love you," he says.

"If you love me so much, why do any of it? Why would you lie? Why did you break my heart? Why did you hurt me so much? Why? You claim to love me but you don't. You wouldn't have hurt me to the extent that you hurt me if you truly loved me," I say.

"I'm a coward and I was scared that it wasn't true. Riley," he says. "Riley, look at me." He takes a couple steps towards me. I look at him. "I love you. It's always been us. You and me, Riley. It's always been you and me. We're Riley and Devin. It's us against the world and it always has been. I need you and I'm here now. So, let me love you," he says.

I take a couple of steps back from him. "N-no. Devin...I c-can't. I c-can't be with you," I say. His eyes are determined.

He takes a couple more steps towards me. "You can," he says fiercely. His lips crush mine and I'm helpless. I try not to react but then I'm kissing him as hard as I can and his hands are yanking off my hat and unzipping my sweatshirt and pushing it off. I stretch up on my toes and our bodies grind together. He kisses me like he can't restrain himself. Like I'm air and he's been suffocating. I yank off his hat and he takes off his jacket.

We're kissing as hard as we can and pressing closer and closer. I've wanted this so desperately for a long, long time. My hands are gripping his shoulders, my nails digging into his back and he's gripping my hips tightly and yanking us closer together.

I really want to be with him and it feels so right to be with him, but I can't. I shove myself away from him. I grab his sweatshirt and I run. I run away from him and he's running after me. "Riley! Riley, come back!" he's yelling. I keep running and I round the corner to the main bathrooms. I run inside and look around frantically. I bolt into one of the showers and sit on the ledge with my feet up.

I'm crying. Crying terrible, awful sobs. I'm wailing and screaming. I'm crying all over again for my heart because it's breaking all over again. I've finally heard the words that I've wanted to hear, but he's too late. It's too late for us and there's nothing I can do about that. I have to accept it.

We can't be together and we shouldn't have been. It's a mistake. All one big mistake.

I stay in the bathroom for a couple of hours and then I find my way back to our campsite. I take my shoes off and crawl inside the tent. I take off my jeans and strip down to my bra and panties. I unzip Devin's sleeping bag and crawl in beside him in the darkness, I think he's sleeping but it's hard to know.

He'll never be mine, and we'll never be together.

We don't belong together. Not anymore.