𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐀✔️

SEVENTEEN|ESMERALDA

The memories.
It wasn't that I didn't remember.
It was that I simply didn't want to remember.

My body instinctively blocking all traumatic experiences from my mind, to shelter myself from the grief that they may bring.

However, small slithers of images managed to work their way back to me over the last few hours of regaining consciousness.

A pack member, dare I speak her name...
A child, the one that's mother dragged her away from me one day, whilst I was still chained to that pole.

My mate...
I killed pack members.
His, pack members.

And if he found out, the punishment would undoubtably be death, mate or not.

He wouldn't care, my being his mate didn't stop him from publicly chaining me to that pole, humiliating me in front of his pack members.

I never considered myself part of his pack, though technically I was a member.

I never associated myself with other people.

Not at the orphanage,
Not at the asylum,
Not here.

Never.

I was lone, and that's the way it would stay.

Because... trust makes you weak.

I couldn't rid myself of the mental images that plagued me of last nights events.

So much blood, though that never bothered me before...
Before Hades.

Since the arrival of my mate, my whole life had turned upside down.

I left the asylum.
People were once again trying to convince me that they cared, they didn't.
The face of Elaine floated through my thoughts, I could imagine what she would say if she could see me right now.

-probably some bullshit about how if you stay positive, everything will work out just fine.

Lies.

-That never worked.

I believed that if you wanted something badly enough, you just had to take it.

***

"Esmeralda."

I killed her.

I killed her.

I killed her.

She's dead.
-because of me.

I killed her.
I was suppose to be a cold hearted killer.
I didn't even like her,
In fact, I despised her.

I remember the day I met her in the kitchen, I wanted desperately to watch as the life faded slowly from her eyes and her body turned limp, I craved it.
Like an itch I wasn't allowed to scratch.
I even remembered the very words I spoke to her,

"Well Esmeralda, if it's a fight you want, just name a time and a place."

I stuck by my words till the bitter end.
-The end of Esmeralda.

I know that she's dead, I remember her final moments...
Watching as her eyes clouded over and her body fell limp.
Just as I wanted.
Except... I didn't want it.

I didn't want for any of this to happen.
None of this should have happened.
As for the little girl, she didn't deserve for any of this to happen.

The only problem was, where were the bodies?
That's where my memory turned blank.
Had I buried them somewhere in the woods?

I must have because I spent the whole day trapping grouch the trees for any sign of a bodies, or graves for that matter.

It wasn't until the sun hid behind the horizon and the moon started to peak that I haunted my search, I had to return to the pack-house, or things would become suspicious.

***

Once I arrived back at the pack house I tried to avoid detection, as showing up to the pack house caked in blood and dirt would look extremely suspicious.

The only noise was the slight patter of my feet against the marble floors as I slunk into my room, locking the door behind me.

I slipped of the material that clung tightly to my body until I was completely bare, tossing the soiled clothes in the trash, turning on the shower and stepping under the spray.

Letting it pour down upon my body, cleansing me of my sins.

-And sins I had many.

The water was harsh and cold, beating down upon my skin.

Like the truth, it was hard to handle.

But there I stayed, under the bitter rain, I had to learn control.

I had to learn to control myself, and my wolf.

Denying the truth wouldn't make it any less then fact.
I couldn't hide the reality away for a more convenient time, when I had my fucked up life straitened out.

The truth was now.
I would still know the facts, even if I said they were false.
They would still haunt me even if I said they wouldn't.
I would still see her haunting face in my dreams even if I said it wasn't my fault.

But that would be a lie.
Because it was my fault.

Because I was the one that murdered Esmeralda.

***
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