She Is My Sanity (Futanari) •

It's Not What It Looks Like

Blair's P.O.V

I ran, I ran as fast as I could. This was no simple jog out for a late afternoon like this. No, this was me trying to go back into that black hole. Begging to be covered with icecold water, emptiness, anything to remove these feelings with in me. I ran and ran and ran even though my mind and legs were telling me to stop, even though my lungs felt like collapsing, I still ran.

Seven months, two weeks and 24 hours.. I have been away from..her, those beautiful blue eyes that could struck a fuck boy or a fuck girl head over heels for her. Those months, I have not seen my parents, Blue.

They have tried facetiming and such but I always messaged them and told them I was busy with exams but actually I was in my room, staring at my phone with emptiness but in this situation with longing. Longing to see there faces, hear there voices..hear and see her. I stopped when I reached the London bridge and leaned over it, taking deep breaths in..filling my lungs with much needed air and feeling the pounding headache from the speed I was running in slow down.

Everything in my body was calming down now, and I looked down into the river and sigh..I wish..I wish we had left in different terms, I wish I could have contacted her!, get on Facebook and talk to her. I know she's asking Blue about me and it kills me when Blue tells me she sees Janey with red eyes or puffy cheeks. It fucking hurt even though I don't show my emotions now, it only comes out when she's being mentioned.

I felt like booking a flight right now, back to New Jersey and back into her arms, her scent. I couldn't forget about her, I didn't even try. She is the love of my life and I knew I would never find another one. I looked out into the now darkness that has come over and the bright lights of the bridge lighting up..

I hear the cars zoom past me. That's what it feels like to me. Being in the hole, that dark hole, that everything just zooms past you. You get haunted by memories, beautiful memories that make you feel again and you hate it.

I breathed out hard and looked at my knuckles to see red bruising along them. I have also taken up boxing. It helps me, helps me vent, the anger, the longing. I've never been away home for this long, I've always been in Jersey with my loving parents and crazy best friend. And I would never admit this out loud but I am a daddy's and a mommy's girl. Ever since I was little and now a Janey's girl.

I pulled out my phone and looked at my lock screen, even though I now basically feel like I'm living in emptiness, I still can't find it in myself to change this lock screen.

It's of Janey and I when we went to this little concert, we were at the far back and her back was pressed to my chest and my arms were wrapped around her with her holding them and I was whispering something in her ear, a beautiful smile is gracing her lips with mine also and both our eyes closed.

Blue took it in front of us and we didn't know about it until we heard the flash. Grace actually saw this when Blue texted me the other day and she just kept looking at the lock screen then back at me then back at it and eventually she says..

"Why does this girl behind this beautiful brunette look so much like you, like she has the same long brunette hair, the dimple in your chin, and that beauty spot under your bottom lip?" she asks and weirdly did her look to me and back to my phone and I huffed, walking away from the fridge, picked my phone up and looked at her.. "It's me" I said with no emotions and she gasped.

"But you don't smile!, hell that girl that you claim is you, has the most hottest, handsomest but beautiful in a feminine way smile!. What!?"

She finished and now she wanted to take a look again because she keeps coming at me to take my phone and I just put my hand on her head to hold her away and I spoke. "It's me Grace and that was the past. Now I'm hungry, let's go to a cafe" I said and that's the end of that conversation. It was getting past 6:30PM and I called Grace while leaning against the rail of the bridge and now craving a cool cold drink of beer.