She Is My Sanity (Futanari) •

Dear Janey

Blair's P.O.V

It has been a month since the incident, since I had done the horrible by beating a man close to his death and a month since I convinced myself I was a monster.

I still do everything the same however each day I come back from class or if I was bored. I started writing, page after page after page and they were all to Janey.

I wrote my feelings, I wrote what I felt inside and what I wanted to say to her, I wrote my thoughts about certain things.

I just walked out my last class of the day and put in my earphones choosing the song Water Under The Bridge by Adele. I love this song. So with a cold face, I walked with my head held high towards the dormitory.

Just as I entered the dorm I felt the feeling of being safe like nothing was going to hurt me in this space, in this room and that's exactly what I feel when Janey is near me, when she hugs me and I breath in her beautiful scent.

I shook off the warmth appearing in my heart and shut the door and walked towards my room. I shut my room door and took off my denim jacket leaving me in my black t shirt with white writing in the pocket on my chest that says "SHIT", it's true, shit does happen.

I dropped my bag beside my desk and a smile, a smile that has appeared since forever I felt, I smiled as I gazed upon numerous plain white paper, and my black ink pen and also different colors. I drag my fingers over the pages Ive already written in them and see the ink marks , so with a sigh, I pulled my big leather chair out and sat in it. Picking up my favorite pen and taking out a plain piece of paper and started writing.

*Dear Janey,

Eight months and I can not seem to forget your beautiful blue eyes, your beautiful smile, your beautiful laugh. Hell i don't think I will ever be able to. Baby, I'm sorry that I shouted at you that night. It's funny, funny that fellow class mates don't even recognize me anymore. Grace says I change everyday, I become colder, harder, emotionless and she always tries to get a smile or a laugh out of me but it never happens and yet she still says she wants to be my friend.

Deep inside I believe her, I believe my fellow classmates stares or what they thought of me. I'm scared, I'm scared Janey that you will see this part of me and not love me anymore, I'm absolutely terrified of your expression. I'm not the same girl, not the same girl that smiled that special smile to you, not the same girl that laughs that laugh you love.

I...I don't know what's going on over there, but Janey I wish to see you, to hold you. Blue has told me that Chloe is pregnant, by the time I give you this letter she will already given birth but I'm just going to say it, tell her congrats for me? I wish I was there to see her grow, happy to be a mother and also to see your reactions!.

I've dreamt of little Janey's running around our house that we own together, there little chubby feet padding on the floor and there squeals filling the air. I want that Janey and I want it with you. And I could just see it right now if we are lying in bed and you will caress my face and youu will name all the features that our baby will have and you will say you want one right now and I would laugh and kiss you softly and whisper soon.

I can't believe I'm writing this or even thinking this but baby.. if..if you happen to meet someone.. someone you find funny and makes you laugh or smile.. then be with them. Be happy. You have no idea how much that hurt to write, I want to essay no, no you can't meet another person, no you can't be with another person, no you can't laugh at someone's else's jokes.

I want to be fucking selfish. But when it comes to you, my sweet Janey. I can't be selfish. You are my heart even though I seem cold towards you and not messaging you or calling you and that breaks my heart but right now it seems like it's the only way to go seeing how fucked I am.