Confessions of a Sex Addict

Nine

The bedroom ⬆️ picture above

I laid down on my bed as I pondered the last couple of days, I felt sick...  not your regular type of illnesses.  It was more throwing up the devil that is known as your soul, but this dark and nasty soul that lives deep inside you; but ended throwing up something way worse... blood. I rushed to the bathroom and vomited all over the toilet seat as it dripped dangling from my bottom lip as I coughed up more.  This feeling sucks...  I wiped the corners of my mouth as I stared down at the bloody water from the toilet and zoned out picturing the awful things that I've done in the past week.

Dr. DeShawn appeared in my mind as I picture her undressing in front of me; slowly taking off her clothes one piece at a time while I sit at the edge of the bed.  I quickly shake the image out of my head to focus on what is really important..... Me...as I got up I walked to the sink to clean my face. "get it together..." I told myself, then when I looked into the mirror I saw my mother, speaking to me in Italian when I was four; and she told me; "sei un giovane signora incredibile, forte , bella e intelligente . Non lasciate che nessuno toglie il tuo splendore ... È brillare più luminosa delle stelle nel cielo mi amor. Ti amo." which means you are an incredible young lady, strong, beautiful and smart. Don't let nobody take away your shine... You shine brighter than the stars in the sky mi amor. I love you.

I rushed over to my bed and pulled out my notebook and flipped to one page with a picture of my mom she gave me when I was eight. It was the two of us at a park under a willow tree next to a lake where the sun had just begins to set.

I was on her back as she was smiling as Phil took the picture. That's the spring when mom got sick; but she never let anyone know it; especially me, but I knew... A few moments passed by and I was late for group... that was strange because usually Dr. DeShawn comes and gets me. I grabbed my stuff and dashed to group. When I arrived everyone was staring at me even... SaraBeth. I looked left, right as my eyes shifted in that direction. I put my earbuds in my ears to listen to "Miss Jackson" by Panic! At The Disco as I turned the volume down low as my eyes focused on everyone in the room as I made it to my seat. I sat next to Spencer who was biting her nails. Haha.... most people say she looks like Ruby Rose, from the Netflix show "Orange is the New Black" all because of her hair and tattoos, but I don't see it. Dr. Edwards-Paul stares at me with those snake eyes as he begins.

Spencer glances at me, so does SaraBeth as I zone out not participating with my music on repeat. Spencer nudged my shoulder a couple of times to wake me up; by the third nudge I took my earbud out as I sat up in my chair to see everyone staring at me because Dr. Edwards-Paul wanted me to participate... or at least try to. I looked behind me to see Dr. DeShawn looking straight forward almost like she's ignoring me or something. I grunted as I got up from my seat with force and left group.

Dr. Edwards-Paul grabbed me by the wrist as I flung away and made my way towards the exit door. Dr. DeShawn ran after me.

"Alec.... Alec stop right there.... Alec BATES!" she called after me as she yelled. I stopped in the middle of the hallway; my back was turned to her as my shoulders tensed up with so much anger.

I clinched my jaw as I breathed through my nose. She called out to me once more with her arms down on both sides with those same sad depressed puppy dog eyes. I turned around slowly as I saw Dr. DeShawn looking at me we are only a few inches apart. No one says anything for a while.

"Alec... please..." she says to me, but I cut her off by walking up to her and give her this evil look as I get all close up in her face and breathe down her neck.