Fix Me // Jamilton

Chapter 23: Relapses and Dinners

- THOMAS' POV -
*time skip to 3 months after Philips birth*
My baby boy. God, it's still surreal to be saying that. I run my fingers through the little bit of hair he has as he sits in my lap. He has my corkscrew curls. I smile to myself. We made this. Well, sort of. I think of Alex every time I look at Pip. Our wedding is in 2 months. Things are crazy, but I couldn't be happier. I turn my thoughts back to Philip when he moves a little.

I kiss his small, tan forehead and stand up, resting him against my hip as I walk around, looking for Alex. I find him walking out of our bathroom, tugging on his sleeves a little bit. It's April, but still warming up. Plus, Alex is a freeze baby so I can see why he's still wearing long sleeves. I don't think much of it for a second but there are two things that make me reconsider my thoughts.

The tugging of the shirt, and the look in his eyes.

The eyes. They look like freshman year. I know he was getting more anxiety lately, and his depression hasn't exactly improved. I'm worried. His brown eyes are clouded with something I can't really identify. Fear? Confusion? Regret?

"Alex...?" I hesitate, reaching out to touch his arm. He flinches away and draws his arm to his side tightly. Oh no. No, no, no. This can't be happening. Not again.

"Alexander, did you cut?" I ask. We got past this! He's been clean for almost 4 years now! I thought this was done! Not that I'm saying it's his fault, but... I just want him to be ok. He looks down and smiles a little, acting strong. Then he shakes his head no, and tries to walk away. I'm not buying it. I decide to do something I know will stop him.

I lift Philip up and set him on Alex's shoulder, holding onto him. Alex stops walking and turns his head a little, smiling at Philip. I can tell it's still a fake smile though. He raises his hand to stroke Pips cheek and that's when I see it. The sleeve droops down and there are red marks, fresh and stark against Alex's tan skin. I take Philip off him and immediately grab his shoulder so he can't walk away. I take his hand and walk him to Philips room so I can set Pip in his crib. After doing so, I pull him to the 2 rocking chairs and sit him down. He's still looking down. He knows I know.

"Why?" I ask. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm worried. I want Alex to be ok. He raises his head and silent tears are gliding down his cheeks, landing on the top of his gray shirt. I instantly pull him out of the chair and onto mine, in my lap, when I see him crying. I kiss the top of his head as the tears shake his body, and suddenly the tears turn to sobs. They rock through him, jolting his small figure. I hold him tighter and let him cry, muttering words in his ears.

"Shhh, baby, shhh. It's ok, I've got you. It's ok, baby. Let it all out." The last sentence somehow makes his crying more intense. He's gasping for breath between each sob, growing louder and louder. He's curled up in my chest, in a small ball. His tears are soaking through my shirt and onto my skin. I let him cry, knowing that when this happens you just have to let them get it all out, like I told him to. I stroke his hair, occasionally kissing him on his forehead and the top of his head.

After a few minutes of heart wrenching sobbing, the door quietly swings open, revealing Eliza on the other side of it. Concern and confusion are painted across her face, and she takes a step forward. She notices me, with Alex crying, and mouths,

Is something wrong? Is it Philip?

I mouth back,

Philips fine, Alex started cutting again and I found out.

She gasps ever so slightly and I nod grimly. She walks out, knowing Alex would want his space. His sobbing has turned into gentle, quiet tears again, but he's still shaking. He's been crying for probably 5 or 6 minutes, but I can tell it's taken a lot out of him. A few minutes later, he wipes away him final tears and looks up at me with red - rimmed and damp eyes. I smile sadly down at him, then kiss his nose a little bit.