The 8th Member⇝BTS || ✓

Chapter 19 [•]

~~* Jihyun's Pov *~~

We were now at my old house. I slowly went in trying my best to not think about him. As i finally was already in the small living room i started searching like a maniac.
I searched everywhere.
Every cardboard.
Every self.
Every inch of the living room making it even a bigger mess.
Nothing.
I ran at the end of the hallway to the bedroom section.
I ran into my parents' room and searched.
Under the bed.
Underneath chairs.
In the nightstands.
In the wardrobe.
Nothing.
I ran to the next room.
Jiyong's room...
I hesitated to open the door.
My shaky hand reached out for the doorknob.
I took in a deep breath trying not to cry again.
I stepped in.
I saw clothes, books, and memories.
His stuff gave me memories of him.
And i absolutely hated it.
I saw bed sheets on the floor making dusty memories make their comeback in my mind.
Memories of his he used to bring me into his room whenever i had nightmares or was scared of the monster that lived with us.
Then i saw photos of him playing soccer at his school.
Photos of him singing for the kids in the playground.
When i was sure i searched everywhere i took some of his old drawings with me and went to my room.
As i opened the door the papers i was caring fell on the floor.
My jaw fell on the floor.
My tears fell on the floor.
Every horrible memory of me crying in my room while listening to him abusing my family came into my mind.
Every memory of that one little girl that was always locked up in her room with her brother protecting her came into my mind.
Every memory of that little useless to the world girl came into my mind.
All i did since i was born was let others protect me and let him abuse my loved ones and me.
I never stood up for myself.
I never helped them.
And now they both are gone.
And its my fault.
I fell on my knees my eyes as big as plates with tears streaming down my pale cheeks as every memory i had from this house and from after we moved to Korea crossed my mind.
I already know that thinking about it and regretting my life choices now wont help.
I know that he is gone now.
But now they are gone as well.

I covered my eyes with my shaky hands and cried.
Suddenly a hand was on my shoulder.
It was Yoongi.
I know its him.
He always comes at the right moment to help.
He always smiles at me and lets me cry in his arms.
He always makes my heart go faster.
He always makes me happy.
And he always has that scent that when i hug him i feel like the world stops and like nothing can harm me when I'm in his arms.

He took my hands away from my eyes and shook my shoulders a bit.
He was talking but i couldn't make out what he was saying.

Its the exact same thing with Yoongi.
He only protects me and takes care of me... so did Jiyong.
He always makes me smile and happy.... so did Jiyong.
He is always there for me no matter what.... so did Jiyong.
He embraces me to feel safe..... so did Jiyong.
Jiyong was someone i loved.
Yoongi..... is someone i loved.
Jiyong died because of me....
Will Yoongi die because of me as well?

[Edit: Guys I have seen some people commenting about this monologue a lot and asking if she loved Jiyong as more than a brother and if it is incest. The answer is NO!
She says that she loved Jiyong as a BROTHER only. He was her only family and hope left. He was the one who saved her from their father. So it natural for her to love him so much but only in a brother-sister way. NOTHING more.
She also blamed herself about his death because he died trying to protect her as said in earlier chapters.
Now you may go on reading.]

These thoughts filled my mind.
I felt Yoongi caressing my cheek while talking.
He was crying.
I cant make out any of the sounds around me.
He wiped my tears and caressed my cheek.
I turned my eyes towards him.
The sound started coming back. At first as just loud, blurry noises and then words.

"JIHYUN! TALK TO ME! WHAT HAPPENED!? JIHYUN! I'M HERE OKAY? JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED! DON'T MAKE ME SO WORRIED!"

He cried because of me...
I worried him.
Why?
Why does he have to care about me?
Everyone that i care about or love.... leaves me...
Everyone that cares about me.... leaves because of me...

I blinked looking at him.
I pushed his hands away harshly.
More tears came into my eyes.
My face from emotionless turned to a sad and hurt face.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY AWAY! I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT BECAUSE OF ME AS WELL!" I yelled.

"What? I want to care for you.... i won't get hurt... what are you talking about?" He said in a voice just a bit louder than a whisper.

"EVERYONE I LOVE OR CARE ABOUT, EVERYONE THAT CARES ABOUT ME  LEAVES BECAUSE OF ME! I DONT WANT YOU TO GET HURT! STAY AWAY" I screamed as I tried to get away from him.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer i struggled trying to free myself out of his grip but failed.

"Jihyun! I will stay!"

"I dont want you to stay!" I yelled again my voice lower this time.

"I never asked... because i love you...."

"I dont!"

Lies. Stupid filthy lies....

"But I do love you... and it's all that matters..." his eyes softened.

He caressed my cheek.
Leaned in and......

(A/N)

Ill do a double update today if possible with a special Jungkook chapter.
Ive been thinking... should i change it to Y/N?

I hope you enjoyed!
#HappyJungkookDay once again!😄
Have a nice month as well!

Vote comment and share!😙

Word count: 895 (no a/n)

[I hope I cleared some of the confusion. If you have any questions so far please comment under this specific edit so I read and answer them all.]