I found myself in an unhappy state as soon as Ashton decided to depart from my house. I always knew my emotional boundaries and I went over them in my head plenty of times, but it seemed like those boundaries were tossed aside for me to dwell on later when Luke found out Ashton was at my house or when I ultimately ended up heartbroken and worse off. I threw myself down on the bed face first, wanting to scream into the mattress because of how silly I felt. Why did I feel like last night was first occasion in some time - maybe years - that I had felt okay, normal? Why did I feel like it would be a mistake to credit Ashton for that? I felt good about everything, but the anxiety picking at my brain and causing me to get a headache made me feel bad.
I turned my head to the left, catching a glimpse of my clock. A little past eight in the morning. My eyes were growing heavy, but I knew my thoughts weren't going to let me fall asleep too easily. I'd have to go over everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours at least three times until I could fall asleep with a heavy amount of guilt remaining. I tried to focus on my breathing, noticing how with every inhale my chest would sink into the mattress and with every exhale I felt a little better and a little closer to falling asleep.
"I'm glad you're breathing." I heard Xander's voice. "For a second I was worried you had been murdered."
Wouldn't that be lovely?
I was quite a jumpy person, so usually I would be slightly frightened by Xander's random appearance in my room, but my body was too tired to react. "When did you get home?"
Xander went home with Sofia a little after midnight. She was exhausted and he seemed eager to get away from our family that was visiting from over seas because they tended to hound him on getting married and starting a family. My parents got a hotel close to the venue just because they could. And frankly, I didn't want to imagine what Ana and Jack were off doing.
"Just now." I felt the empty space next to me sink as Xander made himself comfortable in my bed. It was bizarre knowing he wasn't working out right now. "How long have you been home alone?"
"A couple hours now." I sighed, turning onto my back and resting my hands on my stomach. "How was Sofia's?" I tried hard to focus on the ceiling to keep my eyes open as my eyes were getting heavier by the second and I found it rude to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.
"Relaxing." I could only think up what he meant by that. I didn't even have to look at him to know he had a giddy grin on his face and his cheeks were flushing redder than normal.
"I hope you guys were safe at least."
"We didn't do anything like that, T." Xander let out a small laugh. It almost sounded like he was disappointed with me for thinking so lowly of him. "I'm taking things slow with her. We've be seeing each other for five months now and I think slow is good for us."
"I'm honestly surprised." I sat up, letting my hands fall to my lap.
Anyone that knew Xander well would be surprised he was seeing the same girl for that amount of time. Xander only kept girls around for a month tops. He would hook up with those girls a few times, never introduced them to the family, then he'd dump them before their feelings deepened for him. I only knew of this process because Xander was someone who didn't have any shame. He loved to sit in my room and tell me about his hookups and breakups and the worse things in between. His favorite thing to do was order a bunch of food and sprawl out in the living room while we watched trashy reality television and he tried to compare his real-life situations to what was happening in the shows.
Surely, it was different to sit here and listen to him say positive things about his relationship with Sofia.
"Having flings got old." Xander shifted to his side, propping himself up with his elbow. I turned to look at him. "I have to grow up eventually."
I nodded in agreement. We all had to even if it was scary. We couldn't stay in our comfortable routines forever. And I always had to remind myself of that to push me a little further to do what would make me happy and make me feel better.
"I saw you dancing with Ashton last night. If we want to talk about shocking surprises, it should be that."
I rolled my eyes and turned my head forward. I was too tired for this. Really, I didn't want to have this conversation at all. I felt slightly embarrassed and wanted to avoid the topic of Ashton for as long as I possibly could. There was nothing wrong with Ashton, I just didn't want to feel myself growing attached to him by having conversations of what if's and possibilities that were farfetched. I liked to think I was better than that.
"Aren't you banned from the world of 5 Seconds of Summer?" Xander questioned. "But I didn't think Ashton would be your time. You strike me more of a Calum girl."
"Calum's nice too." I shrugged, not disagreeing with anything Xander was saying.
"Well," Xander grunted as he hopped off my bed, always physically feeling like he was older than he was. "Ashton's a pretty decent guy. I think he'd be good for you."
"We'll see." I began pulling down the comforter and wrapping myself into a warm ball so I could finally sleep the day away.
"I'll put in a good word for you, T." Was the last thing I heard Xander say before he gently shut my door behind him.
