November 2, 2014
I was finally met with the warmth of my apartment that made every inch of my skin tingle away the cold. I tossed my black leather backpack on the couch before removing my coat and hanging it on the coat rack. I wiggled my fingers around, trying to gain feeling in them again since the gloves I had were terrible and my fingers felt frozen.
I walked past the wall where a couple of picture frames hung, I sighed as I observed one of the photos; it was of me and Ashton back in Malibu at the beach. The picture was taken around the same time Ashton and I made an agreement to just let whatever happens, happen between us. We both looked happy in the photo, happiness circulated our eyes and that was obvious. I could still hear the giggle he let out after he took a look at the picture. It was clearly and permanently marked in my brain.
I wanted to call him so badly and listen to anything and everything he had to say but I couldn't bring myself to tap my thumb over his phone number to make the call. There was a reason he stopped talking to me and I needed to be accepting of that reason, even if I was unsure of the reason. Our relationship was destined to end the second I chose to start college. It was not strong enough to tough out the distance.
I wanted him here...No, I needed him here. As my birthday neared the longing to just have his company grew. A few nights ago I dreamt that we were together again, I guess I had dwelled on it too much that it was transferring into my dreams. And it hurt, it hurt worse than falling off your bike as a kid and getting a bloody, scraped up knee. It was a physical ache I felt in my heart with every beat. It was a physical ache that made me feel like I didn't need to eat. But, it was an ache that was cured for only an instance when I filled myself with nicotine.
I pulled off the frame, almost tempted to throw it on the floor and have a fit. But what would that do? That wouldn't make Ashton appear at my door, that wouldn't make Ashton call me or send me a text, that wouldn't fix anything, except maybe the ball of emotions I was feeling that I had not let out.
Maybe I just needed Xander. Xander would give me some wisdom and remind me that I was overreacting and perhaps fly to New York and shove a pizza down my throat so I was happy.
I jumped, almost dropping the picture frame on the floor, when I heard a loud banging on the door. I swear to god, if it was Dick bugging me, I would choke him.
"Be there in a second!" I straightened myself out, pinching my cheeks because I was sure I had lost color in my face when I took a few minutes to think about him. I set the picture frame on the coffee table, faced down.
Another impatient banging was sounded, and I groaned as I hurried to the door, "Jesus, I sa- Luke?" This was unexpected.
"What are you doing here?" I swear the last time we talked he said he was going to be off on tour until the second week of November. He didn't answer my question, but instead he burst into tears. Luke wasn't much of an emotional person on the outside. He really topped me on holding everything on the inside and then exploding at the last minute. His taller frame found its way snuggled into my smaller one in the doorway. I felt his torso tremble with sobs, and it made me want to cry too. We always cried together. It was our deal as best friends to always cry together, but in my head, I knew this was a moment where I needed to be strong for Luke because no one had been strong for him in a few months. He was so lost, so sad. I was too, but I know he needed me more than I needed him. Luke needed anyone at this point in his life.
"I need your help." I felt his tears staining through my top, coating my shoulder. I heard him hiccup through his tears, causing him to cry harder. God, I didn't even want to look him in the eye and see how much sadness lingered inside of him.
I gently guided him into my apartment. His fingers interlocking with me. A gesture anyone else would find suspicious, but we both knew it was innocent and an act of love and care. Nothing else stood behind the hand holding.
I sat on my couch, Luke followed. He sat closely to the edge of the seat, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands up and down his face so he could calm down and talk.
"What's wrong?" I styled a few stray pieces of his quiff back into place. They molded perfectly since his pomade was some super strength, long lasting product. It was the first time I had seen his hair up in some time, he had gotten used to wearing it flat because Arina said she liked it better that way.
I wasn't going to force him to talk until he was ready. I imagined the things he was going through and knew it was going to take some time to have him fully open up. There was shame, there was confusion, there was denial all within Luke. His life hadn't been the easiest thing since Arina entered it.
I crossed my legs and sat back in the couch. I rubbed my hand along his back, sending some comfort to him. I looked ahead at the blank television screen to take my eyes away from the crying boy.
"You've known me for so long, if I tell you what's wrong, you're going to be so disappointed with me." He slouched back in the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm sure you already know. You aren't exactly stupid."
At this point, he had calmed down. Tears still stained his cheeks, but he was calmer than he was a few minutes ago. Thank god, I wasn't ready to resuscitate the boy.
"We all know, Luke." I furrowed my brows, sighing. We all knew for so long. It was just a matter of Luke leaving the complete state of denial and be upfront. Arina wasn't good for him. The partying, the drugs, the toxic nature on social media, her leaking things she didn't need to leak...it was all destroying Luke.
"What are you thinking about? I can't read your expression..." Luke doesn't look away from me. I knew he was desperate to find any answer in my eyes.
"I'm glad you finally came to me." I dried his tears with the sleeves of my shirt. I'd have to work him up to getting rid of the dark circles under his eyes. He needed a detox and a whole week of sleep to make up for everything he was putting his body through. "You don't need to go into specifics until you're ready."
"Thank you."
"Till then, you can cry and eat all the junk food you want." I joked lightheartedly. "And get some sleep."
That night was the first night in god knew how many, that I finally slept soundly. I had my best friend back with me, so that counted for something. If not, it counted for everything right now. Knowing Luke, he wouldn't leave my side until my birthday passed. And I wanted it that way. Living through the old times and living through the good times was what I needed.
