The Next Day
"What exactly are we?"
Ashton and I were quietly doing our own thing as we relaxed in my room. I went between sketching and double checking I had gotten all my classes for the fall while Ashton scribbled lyrics into a notebook for the second album even though the guys were still running high from the first one being released. Months, days, and hours were ticking down until Ashton was set to leave for tour, so we were getting in any and all time together. We wanted to go out do more things together, but that was impossible since we were followed everywhere. So we settled for going to the other's house and finding a movie or something random to do.
"We're in a relationship, I thought?" Ashton slowly stopped writing, his head slowly lifting from the paper and looking at me with confusion. "Is that not what you want?"
I giggled. "Just needed some clarification." We still hadn't talked labels and I wanted to casually bring it up. I didn't see the harm.
"Are you prepared for me to go away on tour?" He spoke lowly as he watched me sketch. He said he found it calming. It took him to tranquil space. It was a way to escape the reality of his own stress without even doing anything.
"Yes and no?"
"I'm not ready, if i'm being honest." He said sadly.
I put my pencil down and turned to him. I could see the sadness in his hazel orbs. I hoped he could see the same sadness in my own. I wasn't going to put it forward and speak about it though. I didn't want to jinx anything. I didn't want to jinx my depression and lay in bed every day until he left or until I left to New York. I couldn't wallow. I had grown so much from that version of Talia since meeting Ashton. I had learned better ways to cope, better ways to get by. One of the worst ways I learned was to sweep it all under the carpet until the last minute. That was when I felt everything was going to explode. For the worst.
"I think we'll both be distracted. Me with school, you being in a new city every night...we won't even be bothered." I combed his hair out of his eyes. His eyes closed, taking in my touch. "But I know it's never as easy as it seems."
"We'll manage. I think we'll figure it out." I knew he was lying. I could tell by the way his lips twitched and the way he was short with me.
"Day by day." I lied to him in return. Anything to make either of us feel good at this moment. This wasn't a normal situation any normal person went through so I couldn't ask for advice. I could only rely on Ashton and myself to pull us through.
"I agree." He lied again and I could tell because his eyes avoided any contact with me.
We left the conversation at that. Neither of us wanted to be sad. Sometimes I thought it was harder to get Ashton out his sadness than it was for me. I didn't want him to overthink anything.
We went back to our activities. Our legs tangled together, each other's warmth reminding us that we were there for each other physically and emotionally. This was the first time with someone I really felt like the term no matter what was true. That it was going to stand years and years from now. That I would always have a home within Ashton. And he would always have a home within me. This was the first time with someone that I knew they cared about me equally or more than I cared for them. It was scary, yet comforting at the same time. To rely on someone so much and not know their every single thought made me scared, but Ashton couldn't hurt a soul.
My phone rang with a Twitter notification. It was random since I had most of my notifications off for the app except my direct messages.
@sarahj723598: Hey I know you and Ashton are a thing now, but I just wanted to show you some messages between us. He plans on meeting up with me once the band is on tour and I don't think it's right. Just wanted to come to you as a woman.
My body felt like it was going to give out. If I hadn't been sitting in bed, I was sure I would've collapsed to the floor and gotten taken over by the sound of my heart beating all too rapidly inside my body. I didn't know how to react though. I handed the phone to Ashton, waiting for him to read and process everything, giving him a chance to find the correct answer without fucking this up. God knew I needed the same from Ashton, so I wouldn't fuck this up either.
"T..." He trailed off, looking up at me and then back at the phone. "I don't know what to say."
"Tell me it's all fake?"
He shook his head and that made me begin to think that they weren't fake, that all of this was recent and real. I still kept my composure. "These screenshots are from last year before the wedding. Way before the wedding." He spoke so calmly in such a frantic and gut wrenching moment. "I have no reason to reach out to Sarah anymore."
"Then how can you explain this random message?"
"I really don't know." He rubbed his tired eyes. He only got two hours of sleep last night. This issue was the last thing he probably wanted to deal with. "She's crazy. I think we both know that and she's willing to manipulate me - us - in any way that she can, so she can have me back."
I wanted to sit and say he was right, but I still didn't want to react.
"I need some time to think."
"Please, just ignor-" I cut him off
"I need to think about all of this before acting irrationally or saying something I don't mean. In the kindest way possible, please leave me alone."
