Maybe You

Prologue

I HEAVED A DEEP SIGH.

   Pilit kong pinipigilang tumulo ang luha ko. Hindi ko pwedeng ipakita sa kanya na sobrang hirap para sa'kin ang ginagawa ko. Hindi niya pwedeng makita na parang pinapatay ko ang sarili ko nang dahil sa desisyon ko. It was better that way. He had to see me strong and unaffected. It was the right thing to do even if it was hurting both of us.

   "Why are you doing this? Akala ko ba mahal mo ako?" Pain was evident in his voice. Tears were streaming down his face. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked more than devastated. I wanted to hug him and comfort him the way I always do but I resisted the urge to do so.

   This painful and repititive cycle has to end now. Walang mangyayari kung magiging mahina ako at magpapadala ulit sa nararamdaman ko. This time, I have to follow what the logical side of my brain was telling me. I owe this to myself.

   "I'm sorry," tanging nasabi ko sa kanya sa nanginginig na boses.

   "Sorry? 'Yan lang ba talaga ang sasabihin mo? Are you fucking kidding me, Yo? Magsu-sorry ka lang?"

   "I don't know what else to say."

   "Let's talk."

   "I'm done talking."

   "Well, I'm not yet done. I want us to talk and settle things."

   Umiling ako. I have to stand firmly on my decision.

   "We can't settle this anymore. You, of all people, should know that. Masyado ng komplikado. Masyado ng maraming apektado."

   "When things get messy, you'd easily drop me? Asa'n d'yan ang sinasabi mong pagmamahal? Ganya'n kabilis mo na lang itatapon ang relasyon natin? Mahal mo ba talaga ako?"

   How dare you question my feelings 'gayung sa simula pa lang ako na ang nasasaktan sa lecheng pagmamahal na 'to?

   "Siguro naman, by now, alam mo nang love isn't enough for two people to stick with each other. Love can't conquer everything especially when you're ruining each other and the people around you when you're together."

   "That's not true!"

   "Pha, you can't deny the obvious."

   "You're just making up excuses. Ang totoo, pagod ka na at gusto mo na lang talagang sumuko."

   "Oo. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako at gusto ko ng sumuko. Gusto kong pagpahingahin ang puso kong pagod na pagod ng magmahal at masaktan nang paulit-ulit."

   What he did next stunned me and destroyed everything that was left in me. He knelt and hugged me.

   "Please... let's work this out. Don't leave me."

   "Pha, ano ba. Tumayo ka nga."

   Umiling siya.

   "No, I won't. You can't leave me. Hindi ko makakaya 'pag nawala ka sa'kin. You're the only one I have."

   Napalunok ako at huminga ng malalim. I reminded myself of our current situation. I didn't want his plea to cloud my mind and alter my decision. Sobrang toxic na ng relasyon namin at hindi na namin iyon pwedeng ipagpatuloy pa. We have to be apart and grow individually. We need to improve ourselves on different aspects while being away from each other. We're doomed when we're together.

   "I'm really sorry, Pha. I love you, alam mo 'yan. But my decision is final."

   "No, no. Please... maaayos pa natin 'to."

   "Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kaya."

   "Yo, 'wag ka namang ganya'n. I love you and I can't afford to lose you."

   "Sorry. Tapusin na natin 'to."

   The last thing I said left us broken. Everything I thought was beautiful turned out to be ugly. What I thought I wanted turned out to be my life's greatest catastrophe.

   How did we reach this point? How did our painful but beautiful lovestory ended up like this?

   I'm here to tell you everything that happened. I'm here to tell you the things that completed and destroyed us all at the same time. I'm not going to leave a single detail. You'd know everything, so brace yourself.

   If you're ready, then let's begin.