That same night Tobias has sat all of us down in the living room, except for mom, watching a movie.
Tom is sitting beside me and it’s frustrating because I want to pay attention to the movie but it’s hard with him sitting beside me. His cologne smells good and it’s also very distracting since he keeps shifting in his spot sending his smell my way.
Tobias yawns and announces that he’s going to bed. He walks towards me and I hug him goodnight.
“You leaving yet?” I ask Tom with my eyes glued to the screen when I hear Tobias' door close.
“No, if you don’t mind.” He says.
“I don’t mind. I’ll just go get ready for bed, I’ll be right back.” I tell him standing up and walking away. I wash all the makeup off my face, brush my teeth, get into my vanilla scented pajamas, and slide into my fluffy slippers. I come back with a blanket in hand and a vanilla coke. When I look at the screen I sit down and pretend to fiddle with my can because this is the sex scene in the movie.
Tom doesn’t react at all but since I’m immature I just move around because it’s awkward watching this with Tom. It’s like when you’re with your parents and then a scene like this pops up.
“You okay there?” I can hear Tom’s smile in his voice.
“Yes.” I say and clear my throat. Gosh how long does this last?
“You sure?” He asks with that teasing tone. I nod and then he looks at me and starts to laugh.
“What?” I ask confused.
“You look so…so uncomfortable.” He chuckles, “Your face is as red as a tomato.” I hadn’t realized I was blushing. Gosh what’s wrong with me?
I turn to face him and finally the scene ends. “What?” I mutter at him.
“I don’t get why you’re so uncomfortable.”
“Well because I’m watching two complete stranger do it. And shut up because you have done one of these before.” I cover my mouth but it’s too late because I’ve said it.
His face turns into several deep shades of red and I hide a smile behind my hand. I can’t believe I just admitted that. To my defense Allison made me watch The Deep Blue Sea after she learned Tom was teaching at our school. I honestly didn’t watch the part where Tom…you know…but I saw glimpses. And I know I’m completely immature and a hypocrite for not being able to even say the word sex but whatever. It’s awkward watching a scene like this with other people around.
“You…you watched that movie?” He asks.
“Yeah.” I answer. He nods suddenly serious and I start to laugh. He looks at me with a shy expression and I laugh even harder.
“Now who’s immature Tom?” I stop laughing and we both just sit there uncomfortable with small smiles on our faces.
“Do you mind if I borrow your bathroom?” He asks about a half hour later. I nod and he goes upstairs.
Shit! I left the pregnancy test I took earlier in the sink. “Wait no! Hold on! Use the family one.” I run upstairs after him, wincing as I feel the old accident injury on my back.
When I reach my bathroom I see him standing there, peering over at the sink. “What is this?”
Oh no… “Um…” Is all I can say; I feel embarrassed and somehow like I betrayed him so I just look down at my hands.
“Did he…did he make you?” I can hear anger rising in his voice which makes me remember how angry he got when I told him Adam raped me.
“No.” I can taste bile and shame creeps up my back. His look of anger turns into shock and then disbelief.
“Does your family even know you’re seeing this man Sia?”
“No.”
“This is absolutely ridiculous! Do not expect me to keep quiet about this!” His words make me panic but I’m scared that if I say anything he’ll only get madder. Adam has taught me to shut up.
I’ve never seen him this upset before and the shame only grows. “Why?” He asks with a voice choked by sadness. “Why Sia?”
I don’t know, I really don’t know but I don’t say anything. I can basically feel his disappointment. I turn around and leave already feel shitty enough; I don’t need him to make me feel worse.
But even after he leaves I keep replaying in my head the look on his face. Why? Why Sia?
***
Jazmine comes back two days after that. She comes back numb and without saying a word which again makes me wonder what they do to her in the hospital.
She doesn’t react to anything; that is except for Tom. She even smiles when she sees him. I’m jealous that she loves him so much, but at least I’m glad that she smiles for a little while. I wish Tom could stay here all the time to keep my sister smiling but he doesn’t even dare to look at me anymore and I don’t blame him.
Finally one night after Jaz has had another nightmare I decide to put an end to this and go find out what goes on in that hospital.
**********
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-Eliza xoxo
