Critical (Jamilton)

14. Wait What No Stop What

Jefferson

Not much had been happening for around a week. Things were quiet, Thomas and Alexander watched Theodosia more and more as the situation with her mom got worse. Practically every time she came over, she would want to talk to Alex about her mom and what he did and how many bad guys he fought while he was gone. Thomas didn't know whether or not to be worried about his answer being a definite five every time.

Luckily, though, Alex was still talking to Peggy. Jefferson really thought things were looking up.

He went to get Alex from Peggy's since that's actually where Hamiton wanted to spend the day. His own choice. That made Thomas feel a little better.

Maybe he's starting to be okay with talking about it, Thomas thought as he pulled up.

Almost immediately, Hamilton was jogging down the front steps. Peggy waved Thomas up so Alex waited in the front passenger's side of the car and waited while Peggy told Thomas what was up.

"So," she started when he got within earshot. "why'd it take you so long to get him here?"

"This morning?"

"No, I mean in general. He's your boyfriend, not your kid, Thomas, I don't care what time he gets here in the morning. But it took you a while to get him here when he got back so. . ."

"Well, he hasn't been having any panic attacks, so I just thought he was doing fine. I mean, not fine fine, I thought something was off, but he said--"

"Wait, what do you mean he hasn't been having any panic attacks? Thomas, I've seen him use at least three different grounding tactics," Peggy deadpanned.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning he's been using different methods to keep himself from losing it," the woman explained. "you're telling me you seriously haven't noticed?"

Thomas stared at her with a blank face.

Peggy sighed. "You people. . . What did you think a panic attack was, exactly? Rocking back and forth and hyperventilating?"

"W-Well, no. I mean, back in college it was just a lot of muttering and rambling, I guess."

"He was gone for six years, you didn't think that maybe that had changed?!" Peggy pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled sharply. "Things happened while he was gone, alright, and I am not telling you what because that's not my place, but he is trying his damn best to make sure that you don't know about it. So he's bottling it up, he's pushing you away, he's keeping to himself and you need to counteract that. Got it?"

"Counteract it how?"

"Talk to him."

"He isn't--"

"Push him. Not a lot, don't push him too far, just try to get him to open up even a little bit. Alright? Can you handle that, Jefferson?"

"Okay, yes I can. You Schuylers have a real thing for doubting me," Thomas muttered.

"That should be a sign!" Peggy yelled as he walked off.

He rolled his eyes as he got into the car and decided not to bring it up immediately. He wanted to mull it over in his head and decide the best way to try to get him to open up without sending him into fight or flight.

He didn't bring it up until they were home. It was actually the middle of the night so everybody already retreated to their rooms, including Alexander and Thomas. They sat on the bed watching Cyberbully for the millionth time, cuddled together for warmth since Thomas figured out that turning the thermostat down was a great way to get free attention.

At first, Thomas didn't want to say anything. He wanted to just leave it and try to get something out of Peggy, but then he realized that he'd need to talk to Alex about the situation. A relationship can't be healthy without communication and he wasn't trying to lose Alexander again, this time to stupid lack of communication.

"Lex, can we talk?" he started slowly, testing his boundaries.

"That depends, what about?" Alex responded, not taking his attention away from the movie. Jefferson paused it and shifted so they were facing each other.

". . . The last six years?"

Hamilton hummed for half a second, then he said, "No."

"Alex--"

"I talked to Peggy. That was our deal. I talk to Peggy, not some stranger--"

"I'm not a stranger, I'm your boyfriend and we need to talk about it so we can consider this at least somewhat healthy."

"No, Thomas. I'm not talking about that. Can we just watch the movie?" Alex moved to see the T.V. and Jefferson blocked his view, causing him groan. "You're being childish."

"All I'm asking is that we talk."

"And I would rather not."

"Why won't you just talk to me?!"

"Because it's not important to this relationship!"

"Yes, it is! You were dead for six years and I have no idea what was going on, so I barely even know who you are right now!" Thomas reasoned. "I know that it hurts, Alex--"

"No you don't," Ham spat, jumping off the bed. "You can ask me to talk, Thomas, but don't act like you were there because you weren't."

"That's my point! I wasn't there and I want to understand how you feel!"

"You know what? Fine. Let's talk. You want to talk about things 'hurting', well taking their beatings every day, not knowing if one'll kill me? That hurt."

Jefferson's mouth snapped shut at the sudden compliance. Alex kept going.

"I was there for six goddamn years, and you got to live like nothing even happened. That hurts."

"I had to deal with you being dead, how do you think that played out for me?!"

"Oh no, I 'm so sorry that me getting kidnapped was so inconvenient for you! Let's talk about dealing with shit now. On top of the near merciless beatings, I was completely alone there. I couldn't even call for help because they'd do this shit!" He lifted up his shirt to show the single scar on his side. A single white line against his tan skin, thick enough to see that it was definitely at least somewhat deep. "That-- that psychopath fucking stabbed me, Jefferson! If I even thought about mouthing off to them, shit like that would happen, and how long do you think it took me to get that message? Believe me when I say, that hurt. Tell me, how does what you had to deal with compare to that, huh?!"

"Darlin, I didn't--" Thomas tried to get up to comfort him, only to be cut off by Hamilton taking a step back as soon as he moved.

"Don't. You wanted to fucking talk, so here we go. We're talking. Remember John? Of course, you do, you dated him. I had to watch him die trying to get me out. He died for me and I couldn't even get myself out. Sam? He died because of me and I couldn't get myself out. That fucking hurts."

Thomas didn't answer.

"You know, every single day I made myself believe that you were coming to get me. Every fucking day I told myself 'he hasn't stopped looking.' I told myself that you were minutes away from barging in with the cops and getting me out. For six. Fucking. Years. And you know what? You never came!" By then, Alexander had tears streaming down his cheeks. "That's probably what hurt the most, Thomas. I needed you, and you weren't there."

The last line broke Thomas's heart and he joined Alex in crying. He slowly moved from the bed and made his way over to Alex, who wasn't moving away anymore. He resorted to hugging himself and trying to keep glaring but he was failing pretty badly. Thomas pulled him into a hug and gently moved so they were sitting together against the wall.

"I'm sorry," Thomas whispered. "I didn't-- I just wanted to know--"

"Shut up and just hold me, asshole."

Thomas listened.