Critical (Jamilton)

21. This Had Better Come To A Stop, Alex

Peggy

If there was one thing Peggy hated, it was being woken up in the middle of the night for something stupid like having to pee or something. Why would one bodily function interrupt another? Who gave the bladder all the control? Certainly not Peggy, that's for sure. 

That is to say, she was pretty pissed when she woke up in the middle of the night because of her egomaniac of a bladder. 

As soon as she was out of the bathroom, she decided to make a late night trip to the kitchen for a snack. She didn't have a chance to even make it to the kitchen, though, because there was a soft knock at the door, which only got louder until she opened it. She was prepared to yell at whoever was interrupting the sleep she wasn't getting until she saw Alexander standing outside. 

"What the hell are you doing out there? It's freezing, get inside!" She yanked him inside and shut the door, shivering at the last burst of cold air that came through. 

"Sorry, I know it's late, but your house is the closest," Alex muttered. "I didn't want to really go any farther than I had to."

"Hey, what's wrong?" Peggy asked. "Did something happen?"

"Thomas and I had a, uhm. . . disagreement." Peggy watched as her friend dragged his sleeve across his face almost angrily to dry his tears. His cheeks were red and puffy, probably from a mixture of the cold and his crying. 

She guided him over to the couch and went to the kitchen to get some tea that she hoped would warm him up and calm him down at the same time so she could figure out what was going on. Once she got the two mugs of warm tea made, she handed one to Alex and sat down in her chair. 

"Okay," she said calmly. "I don't think you just had a disagreement. Thomas isn't all that jazzed about you being alone, so he wouldn't let you come here alone without a ride. Especially not in the dead of night after Andre came back. Alexander, what happened?" 

"He told me to leave," Alex said quietly. "He told me to leave, I told him I didn't need him, he hit me."

"Yup, there it is. Okay, let's start with the leaving thing. Why did he tell you to leave?"

"Because I told him that I didn't need him," Hamilton muttered. "and saying that I kept trying to leave because I didn't need him."

"Right, you can't do that. We need to work on your coping mechanisms, Lex, seriously. Do you love him?"

"I don't see how that--"

"Do you?" 

"Yes." 

"So why don't you need him, exactly? Like, what do you think's going to happen when you go to sleep tonight?" 

"I don't--"

"Let me stop you right there, Ham. As far as I know, you haven't exactly been working toward moving past anything without Thomas. Meaning you're associating him with safety and comfort like you were associating Andre with trauma. I can guarantee that if you try to do the things you have been, like leaving the house and talking to Andre, without making up with Thomas, you'll have a way harder time." Peggy crossed her legs and took another sip of her tea. "So, am I right? He's sort of your main source of comfort?" 

Hamilton didn't answer, so Peggy kept moving forward with her talk. 

"You push people away, you've been doing that for forever, but that's about as bad as you trying to leave. I told you to stop doing that, so now you're putting all of your coping on pushing Thomas away so you don't have to leave. He'll do it first and then it's not your fault. Thing is, that isn't fair to him." 

"How is that not fair to him?" Alex asked sarcastically. 

"Hamilton, you are the most arrogant person I have ever met," Peggy sighed. "He needs you. You pushing him away and doing everything you can to get him to leave so it hurts you less? That's probably really fucking him up. He's trying to help you get better as best he can, and yeah he's stupid sometimes and doesn't know what he's doing so he does it in the wrong way, but he's trying and you're just using his feelings against him."

"So it's my fault he hit me?" Alexander spat, glaring at Peggy over the rim of his mug.

"Is that what I said?" The woman took the cup and set it on the table, staring sternly into Hamilton's eyes. "You aren't here to argue with me, you're here because you need my help. Now let me help. It's completely his fault that he hit you, not yours, but if you're holding him to his actions, you need to take into consideration yours too."

"What did I do! I just told him the truth!" 

"Okay, stop. I'm not going to argue with you so if you want my help you need to shut up and listen to what I'm saying, if not I'll go get you a blanket and you can sleep on the couch. Now, I don't care if you don't need Jefferson, he needs you and you pushing him away and hurting him so you don't get hurt is beyond messed up and it needs to stop. Right now. If it doesn't stop, you might as well not even try to go back to him because you're just going to keep fighting. So I ask again, do you love him?"

This time, Alexander answered without hesitation.

"Then stop trying to get away from him when things are too much for you. Talk to him. Talk to me. Talk to someone, but stop hurting people to save yourself. It's not fair to anyone." 

Hamilton nodded. Without another word, Peggy got him a blanket like she said she would and told him to sleep on the couch. She didn't really know if she expected him to wake up anytime soon after that because it was already the middle of the night, but she wasn't exactly familiar with how sleep was for him. 

She left him to fall asleep while she called Jefferson in her room. 

"Peggy? Is Alex there?" Thomas asked after the first ring. 

"Yeah, he's here. I have a bone to pick with you, Jeffershit," Peggy scolded quietly. "You hit him? Seriously?" 

"I know, I know, I'm an asshole and horrible person. I've got that much down. Is he okay though? What's he doing?"

"He's upset and going to sleep."

"How upset is he?"

"Pretty friggin' upset, asshat!"

"Right, yeah that was stupid. Is he-- do you know if he's actually planning on leaving? For real this time?" Thomas asked quietly. He sounded like he'd understand if Hamilton did leave but that didn't mean he really wanted him to.

"No, I don't think he is," Peggy sighed. "Look, just go to bed alright? He's fine, but he needs to cool down. Stop by tomorrow or something and we'll all sit down to talk about this. Deal?"

It was quiet for a second before Thomas agreed. Peggy hung up the phone, ready to get back into bed and finish sleeping.