My Life In Red

33

I woke to a soft beeping but couldn't open my eyes. I could tell there was light coming in through the window and I should have been up but my body just wouldn't let me. I felt exhausted and in pain. I closed my hand beside me and then felt a rough hand grab it quickly. My eyes opened slowly but all I saw was a very tired looking Frank castle. I didn't want to look at anything else, he was enough to see for now, and I didnt think I could actually handle seeing a hospital setting all around me. I just groaned and closed my eyes again.

"Y/n"

His voice was hoarse and weak like he hadn't done anything with it for a good while.

"What?"

I croaked out, sounding just as bad as him.

"What did you do."

I brought my hand to his face without opening my eyes.

"Shhhh. not now. To tired."

I could feel him clench his jaw and nod his head against my hand.

"Speak to me instead."

He nodded again but faster this time.

"Matt said you tried to climb the stairs..."

I nodded once.

"He said you screamed and when he got to you all he could smell was blood."

I ran my thumb over his cheek bone before dropping it back to the bed.

"Y/n are you listening?"

"Mmhmm."

I was falling back to sleep already and fighting to stay awake.

"Y/n you, you lost, "

He stopped and my heart rate increased. I didn't have to see him to know what he was talking about. I started crying and brought my other hand to cover my face. The tears were hot and streaming down my face. I was sobbing and having a hard time breathing and I could tell Frank was having a hard time keeping it together as well. I covered my face with both my hands.

"I didn't even want this stupid thing. I thought I was in deep shit when I found out I was pregnant."

It was fast and I sobbed every few words.

"I just wanted be fine and spend time with you and not have to worry about anything because it was us. And then I got attached and I thought i was getting better because I'm an inpatient piece of shit. And now we're here and I'm so sorry Frank. I'm so so sorry."

He pulled me up into him and hugged me tightly. It hurt like hell but at least I was in his arms. He smelled so good, so familiar and not to long after I felt hot tears on my shoulder. I opened my eyes for the first time, about half way, and could see Matt trying to keep it together in the corner. He was blurry but I could see his body shaking slightly.

at that moment I finally understood: this is what it felt like. This is what it felt like to lose something. I had never truly experienced it before, never attaching myself to anything or anyone, but here it was sprawled out in front of me. It wasn't a yearning or a discomfort, it was real true brokenness. It was the loss of true love and heat of a thousand fires burning you without you realizing it. I wanted so badly to go back and change all of this, maybe not go out that morning when I got shot or maybe not go out that first night I met Frank. But I couldn't, I couldn't change the past, and I sure as hell couldn't change the present. I was stuck here feeling sorrow for not only myself but for my friends and my deceased son. In that moment I had the yearning to die more than ever in my entire life.