My Life In Red

34 *extremely triggering*

The weeks that followed I found myself in the worst depressive state I've ever been in. I could barely walk around the apartment because of the lack of energy and motivation I had. My sleep schedule was fucked, my food intake was even worse, I hadn't showered in what felt like years, and all I could do was cry. It also didn't help that I was home alone to deal with myself. Matt had to go to work to keep his firm alive and so did Frank, which at this point was something for him to keep his mind off of things. And that's just what I wanted to do, get my mind off of things, stop thinking about my life and what it had led to. I had never realized before how truly alone I was and not just that but I realized how truly lonely I was. Everyone I'd ever known had died before me except for Matt and company. And even they weren't guaranteed to stick around, specially with how dangerous their jobs we're.

I rubbed my face hard and stood up from my bed, wobbling a little bit because of how long it'd been since I'd stood. I slowly trudged over to my dresser and got some undergarments before walking to the bathroom and running the bath water. once the tub was filled I got undressed and stepped in, letting the water consume a good part of my body. It was warm and kind of felt like a much needed embrace. I hadn't had much human contact since I lost the baby but in retrospect it was my fault. I hadn't let anyone come close to me since then because I didn't want to get reattached to them or trick myself into thinking I needed them. That way it would be easier to leave.

When the water got cold I drained the bath and stepped out, drying off and putting my bra and panties on. I stared at myself in the mirror for a good twenty minutes before slamming my head into it. When I retreated I screamed and slammed my fist into the same spot. I bled a lot but I didn't care, tears were hot and streaming down my face, along with the warm blood dripping from my temple. I just kept hitting the mirror until the pieces fell to the ground and I was left punching parts of the wall. Not before long I couldn't feel my hands anymore and knew the nerves surrounding my knuckles had to have been cut. I stopped and rubbed my hands over my face, smearing the blood around and down onto the top half of my body.

Suddenly it hit me though, this was my life now and I didn't want it anymore. I picked up a piece of the cracked mirror and looked at my tired eyes over run with blood. I didn't recognize myself any more. I dropped it before walking to the tub and running the bath again. It filled quickly but I let the water run as I stepped in. I got comfortable and situated myself before grabbing one of the close pieces of mirror to me. I examined it for a minute before dragging it up my arms, extending from my hand up to my 'elbow pit.' it burned quite a bit but I proceeded to do the same to my other arm. I threw the piece and sat lower into the tub, letting the water cover my mouth. I watched the water turn a deep red and began to feel drained, literally and figuratively. I couldn't hold on anymore and my legs went weak as my head fell completely under the water, consuming me completely. I didn't try to breath or anything but it wasn't like it mattered. I was finally joining the rest of my family, Killing off the bloodline so to speak. All my life I'd been surrounded by death and sorrow; Not only was this my life in red, but I also suppose my death as well.