The Arrangement: It Led Me To Love

Chapter 32 - Laurene's POV

The guilt sits like ice in my gut. Slicing through my sanity, I feel weak and empty without Ellison. Pathetic I know. It's just I have become so close to him, that I feel strange and hollow without his unwavering presence. Even when he is not physically next to me, I can feel a hum of electricity of the ghost of his presence, reminding me that I am never truly alone. Now all I can feel is a silent coldness. I know he is not truly mad at me; he is just trying to justify himself not telling me whatever secrets he has, but it still hurts. When we first met we argued and were rude to each other all of the time, and it did not really affect me; pissed me off a bit, but I did not care about what he thought of me. Now I do. It has suddenly become significant for me to be viewed by Ellison in a good light. I want to be central and special to him.

Now I feel as though I may have ruined it.

Nevertheless, as my mother always said, it takes two to argue. It is not completely my fault. I was just looking out for him after all – as friends do. I just do not understand why he would be so stupid as to hide something from the police! I mean, he does not owe me anything; he does not have to tell me, but he should definitely tell the police! What if they could find a new lead in the investigation? Of course, I know the police have been busy trying to find clues as to who it was, but they have not really found anything of importance. They have no main suspects or anything like that, which is disappointing. I know what will happen - they will say they have done their best and there is not anything else they can do. The whole accident will blow over from the press, and everyone will lose interest apart from Ellison and me, whilst the criminals who have hurt Ellison get away with it! There is no justice in this world.

That is why I feel like it is so imperative for Ellison to voice his concerns. Anything, any little detail, assumption or guess could tip the balance and create new leads for the police to follow, and hopefully capture this criminal.

However, as I said, I cannot force it out of him or make him tell the Police what he is hiding. That would cross the clear boundary line that we set ourselves as being friends, and I do not think that I am ready to traverse into the foreign waters of meaning something more to each other. We both have issues with relationships, and we will either be the ones to fix each other or break each other beyond repair. To jump into such an exotic, unknown territory I would have to do it in full confidence that Ellison would meet me half way. Right now, it seems like quite a stretch to imagine me and Ellison binding together in a romantic relationship. I feel too comfortable in the friend zone to risk the friendship we scavenged to build. To take the leap into an area of romance, well. It seems like a distant dream destined to be kept it that way.

I need to talk to Ellison about going back to America, because I hate to think what will happen if I ignore the threats again. I do not want him to think that I am angry with him though – I am not aggrieved, just sad that we have fallen out unnecessarily. Also, I yearn to mend the rift that has wedged itself in between our tight bond, but that would mean telling him about the messages and cause of Poppy's accident. Me. What would he think of me after that? Because of my ignorance, I indirectly hurt one of my closest friends. I am a risk to everyone around me. I dare not disobey the people again – they are watching me, so they are bound to find out if I tell Ellison. It could cause him a load more trouble as well! No. I cannot tell him yet. It would be selfish of me to unload my burden onto him. I already feel terrible about getting Norman involved. He does not know this, but I have instructed one of my bodyguards to follow him discreetly from a distance, just to make sure that he is not attacked. Thinking of Norman, I should probably call him to find out how my business is getting on. I feel bad for abandoning it for so long when I am still on my probationary period, but Ellison comes first.

Sighing, I half-heartedly reach over to grab my phone, which is sitting patiently on my bedside table, charging hastily. Realising that I cannot reach it, I slide out of the bed and yank on the lead to bring my phone tumbling down to me. I am in such a slovenly, upset mood that I cannot be bothered to do anything properly. I want to scream, cry and sleep all at the same time. Begrudgingly I then pull myself up and collapse onto the bed, relieved to rest my weary body. I reverently rub my fingers along the silken mattress, and press my cheek to the cool, velvet pillows in hopes of calming me down. I pull the comforter on me because it is thick and irresistibly soft, like a billowing cloud. Lazily I ask Siri to call Norman, as I am too comfortable to move out of my current position, snuggled in an avalanche of fine Egyptian silk.