ENTRIES ▹ misc.

•cringey poem•

so my friend Bubbleheart2004  has been showing me some poems lately and they're so good!
so i looked through some old journals and notes and i found some old poems that i wrote.
and oh my gosh they are terrible.
but i'm going to show you one anyway.
i know i'll regret this but idec.
just for context, i wrote this sometime last year- and i was really scared about my sexuality and stuff.
so yeah.
it's called "love" (cliché i know)

love.
what is love?
why am i not in it?
have i ever been?
was i in love with all those little boys i told myself i had "crushes" on when i was younger?
or was my mind just repressing the fact that i wasn't in love with anyone, and just doing what society told it to do?
why does society do this?
why have i been growing up thinking i have to like another boy?
why can i not just be an independent woman?
is there even a difference between liking someone and loving someone?
or loving someone and being in love with them?
i adore my family, does that mean i'm in love with them?
how do i even know i love my family?
is it because if anything were to happen to them i would be devastated?
or because i care for them with all my heart?
but i feel this for some of my friends too.
does that mean that i am in love with them?
how will i know?
how will i ever know what being in love feels like if i can't even figure out who makes me express that emotion?
why do people tell me that a certain boy is "perfect" for me?
why does society make me imagine myself with a man?
do i really want that?
or is it just engraved into my head that i am supposed to feel that?
why is it that when i think about so many of my beautiful female friends that have girlfriends, i feel jealous?
am i jealous of them?
am i jealous of their girlfriends?
or am i jealous that they have found love at such a young age, and that they have accepted who they are?
i thought i had everything figured out.
i thought i was straight?
am i?
i love God.
but i'm not in love with Him, right?
being in love is different then loving someone.
but will God still love me even if i am not straight?
will i be a sinner for loving someone who is not male?
i need to accept it but i can't.
why is is that i feel such a strong emotional bond to fictional characters, or characters in a play, or even some celebrities, all of the male gender, but i don't feel that to any of the boys i actually know?
why is it that i know exactly what love looks like for other people but not for myself?
why can i read a book and figure out which characters will fall in love but i can't do that for my own life?
or do i even know what falling in love looks like?
is it just my mind wanting it to be true?
why is it that when two people are kissing on the television i find it beautiful, but when i imagine someone kissing me it's gross?
i'll never have it.
i'll never have love.
maybe one day i'll fall in love with someone.
but no one will ever love me back.
there are just too many things about me that no one could ever love.
i am anxious all the time, i have to touch every object in the room before i go to sleep every night to calm my compulsions, i cry over chats gets that aren't even real, i lie sometimes even when i am trying to tell the truth, i am socially awkward, and i can never control my emotions.
how could somebody ever love me?
or is that what love is?
is it staying with someone even if they have quirks or are different because they adore every bit of it?
is it the feeling i get in my stomach like a wave crashing into a beach, pulling the soft sand out from underneath my feet?
is it the salty tears that form in my eyes when my emotions start to take over?
or is it whatever i want it to be?
can love be a figment if my imagination, constantly whispering and muttering in the back of my mind?
can it be anything that makes me happy?
can i love anyone i want to?
can i provide my own definition of love?
why does society want me to feel love a certain way?
everyone should be able to decide for themselves who they love.
you define your own version of love.
to end with the lovely words of the spectacular lin manuel miranda, "we rise and fall and light from dying embers. remembrances that hope and love last longer. and love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside."

so yeah.
i know it's so terrible.
very repetitive.
and a lot of it doesn't make sense.
but i guess i should explain it a bit.
i'm pretty sure i wrote it all in my head in the shower.
then wrote it out at like 1 or 2 in the morning.
and of course i had to put a lin manuel miranda quote in there.
anyway.
at the time i was writing this everyone was shipping me with this guy.
and i really hated it.
because i was in love with one of my friends at the time.
like really really really in love.
a crush i'd had for a while.
but they like someone else.
(good luck narrowing that down frens)
and i was so jealous.
i was also convinced that God hated me.
but now i've accepted my sexuality.
i even went to a gay club today.
that sounds so wrong omg.
i mean like a club at school.
it's called "diversity club."
we're not very diverse though because we're all queer.
lol no it's great though i love it.
anyway yeah.
so i hope you had a nice laugh reading my poem.
hopefully i've improved since the time i wrote it.
lol
have a nice day <3