Heartbreak Story - Byler

VIII - He Let You Down

Trigger warning: A serious argument in the home that almost turns violent.

Nancy held me close the entire car journey home but I had since stopped sobbing, I had nothing left to give. My energy was sapped, my heart no longer functioned and my head was a mess. I'd finally cried myself out and I was utterly numb.

My mother asked what was going on and Nancy just told her I wasn't feeling very well. I was so grateful for my older sister, I'd taken her for granted and seen her as nothing but an annoyance for years but that was all changing and I couldn't help but think if one good thing was going to come out if this mess then this was it. Nancy and I finally had a relationship.

Night had truly fallen by the time my mom pulled up in front of our house and I unlatched myself from Nance so I could crawl out of the car, up to my room and lie alone on my bed feeling nothing at all. But my mother had other plans for me.

I was headed upstairs when she called me back down. "Michael, I think we need to talk." I was so sick of everyone wanting to speak with me about something or other, I wanted to be alone but I made my way back to the bottom of the staircase so I was facing my mother, my face was expressionless. "You won't want to hear this but I think you need to start spending less time with Will and more time with your family. Even before all of this happened, every spare second of the day you had you wanted to spend it with him and we don't see you anymore. We miss you, sweetie." She tried to smile at me but hearing Will's name made my broken-heart give one final beat, crippling me with agony as the blood it pumped rushed through my veins, tearing me apart. My mother had no idea that I wouldn't be seeing Will again because he didn't want to see me anymore and she had no idea how earlier that night I almost professed my love for him and it meant nothing to him. Just as I meant nothing to him.

I know she only meant well but her words felt like mounds of salt being forced into a gaping, irreparable wound in my heart and, without warning, my rage erupted to the surface and exploded.

The argument that followed was the worst we've ever had in this household.

All of a sudden, without even intending to, I was howling at her that if she thought I needed to be spending more time with my family then I'd have to go to Will because he was my family, the only family that mattered to me anymore. My own life meant nothing if Will wasn't in it and my world was revolving around him, especially after what had happened so all the care I could give would be focused on him. I told her that I had nothing left for her, I didn't care about her and I didn't love her. My mother burst into tears at this and that's when my father stepped in: Ted Wheeler, usually the most uninvolved, unaware parent in the history of parents. He yelled at me that I had no right to speak to my mother that way and if I truly didn't care about my family then I should pack my bags and be on my way. The emotions of the night and the fury I was feeling towards Alex and even towards Will for his willingness to throw his own life away with both hands was still boiling my blood and it got the better of me so I snapped. I hurled non-stop insults at him, every last negative thought I've had about my absent father in my whole entire life came tumbling out of my mouth and I was powerless to put an end to it. Then Nancy stepped between us and shouted at my father to leave me alone as my dad moved towards me and I could have sworn I saw him begin to raise his right fist in my direction.

Abruptly, a ceasefire between the two sides of the battle (me and Nancy - my mother and father) was called by none other than the youngest member of our family who we had woken up and had made her way downstairs crying. Breathing heavily, we all looked around at each other wondering what the hell had happened.

Nancy ran to comfort Holly as I felt my mother's embrace engulf me as she sobbed that she was sorry and she should never have tried to come between me and my friends - still, somehow after everything, oblivious that Will meant more to me than just a friend. My father muttered a hasty, awkward apology as well before sitting back in his trademark chair and opening a newspaper, his hands still shaking.

Apologising, I hugged my mother back and told her that of course I loved her, I was just caught up in the heat of the moment. However this was only half true. The emptiness and the nothingness had reclaimed my body for its own and I honestly couldn't have told you whether I did love my mother or not.

I knew we'd never been the perfect family - though we may look like it to outsiders - with our dad barely acknowledging our existence and our mom clearly stuck in an unhappy, loveless marriage but we'd always been able to remain civil. We could play the part of the happy, loving nuclear family in the big house with the comfortable wealth but that was only the surface. What lay beneath was impossible for even me to explain. I knew I loved both of my sisters with all my heart and I knew Holly was young so she wouldn't have understood the false family narrative we played in our town, she was innocent and unburdened enough to still have the unconditional love and trust in our family that only sweet childhood could bring.

Did me and Nancy love our parents? We were a unit, people who relied on one another for company and companionship but our smiles were hollow, our laughter was shallow. Our feelings for each other came and went.

The Wheelers: the perfect family, alright.

Thoughts of my family swirled into the Byers family. They didn't have the money we had, they didn't have a father, their home was small and their possessions weren't top-of-the-range the way every belonging that littered every shelf in my house was but they were happy. Their love for each other was undeniable and I always envied Jonathan and Will's relationship, wishing I could have a similar with one of my sisters. They didn't have much but they'd opened their arms wide to allow Max to join them when she needed it and I tried hard to picture my mother ever taking in someone in need but it didn't seem likely. It's one of the reasons I never told her El was living with us for that week, long ago. She'd have never allowed it despite the fact that our house was easily big enough for her and we had more than enough food.

Fatigued, I wandered my way upstairs feeling like I was stuck in a dream but I knew I wasn't that lucky. This was my life.

I collapsed onto my bad and replayed the events of the fight with my family in my mind and as soon as I had calmed back down and come back to planet earth, guilt ripped into me. Though my relationship with my parents was poor, they weren't the ones I had been angry at tonight. Alex was on my mind and, despite the fact that I've never been a violent person, I wanted to find him and tear him apart the way he tore Will apart. I wanted him to suffer.

If it hadn't been for the promise I'd made to Will - what, only that morning? Could it really have only a few hours previously? - I would have hunted him down that night and I would have made him pay.

Will may have been done with me but I knew I could never break that promise so I climbed into my bed and tried to sleep to forget everything that had happened, even if only for a few hours.

*

A short one. Here is the ever so functional Wheeler family. How loving and joyful they are.
Mike's home life isn't brilliant as we can see and I wanted to establish that it's always been that way but this night, it's a hell of a lot worse because Mike doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and how to release his anger.
The Wheelers are dysfunctional af but never this bad, just Mike is handling everything badly. Also, Ted, GO BACK TO YOUR CHICKEN AND DON'T TOUCH MIKE EVEN IF HE IS BEING UNREASONABLE!
- Niamh.