Ever since I was young, I always wanted to be close with people. In my family, I was the youngest and had no one my age that I can actually talk to. My family only had the babies and the older teens.
I tried hanging out with the babies. The babies included a family friend's 3 year old son. It was good because I got to teach him so much. Like marriage, family, and math. Flash forward a few years and I am no longer relevant. One time at his birthday party, I tried to give him his hits. Anytime I called out to him, he always ignored me. I told my sister ,but she said it was normal.
The teens were harder to get along with. Mostly because I was scared by them back then.
The adults were really where things started. Back when I was 4, I was IT. Like I was apparently the most adorable thing they saw. The things they complimented me on was my voice, obedience , and advice. Teens and adults would surround me to hear my voice.
Everyone that lived around us had a very ghetto way of speaking. I was the only one who spoke 'proper' like a southern accent with a ton of sugar. Therefore, I was asked to repeat whatever they said over and over again. For years.
I was also like a trained dog to the adults. In our family, children might as well be considered servants. We would get asked to fetch pretty much anything. I get that it isn't my family that only does that ,though. It was just something that made my independence go down. It's like you are given instructions for everything.
If you speak out of line, you would get slapped. If you stand there for too long, you get yelled at. Every step you make is supervised. Unfortunately, I was given the gift of obedience. That was something many of the children hated about me while the adults loved it.
I was the one people asked advice about fashion, boyfriends, and what food to make. My sister was the one who asked about relationships more than others. She came to me about each boy related problem she had and that was the highlight of my life back then. It was the little ounce of independence I had. I gave that ounce to help people out. It's like taking off the strings holding you, answering for you, and making you fear what would happen if you took it off. During this time though, I was allowed to breath and it was fucking amazing.
That all stopped one day. When I got complaints from some of the adults including from my mom, that it wasn't my job to help my sister. That I shouldn't have to help her when I have my whole life ahead of me.
I thought that was utter bullshit. Therefore, I kept doing it. I kept helping.
It only got worse when I heard my family arguing about it when they thought I was asleep. From then on, I put the strings back on and gave her questions like
Does he have money?
Will he provide?
Is this really love?
It was as if I was making her doubt herself. It feels like my fault because I wanted to stop the arguments. I ended up making my sister worse.
Worst part about it
I still let those strings control me.
