Book Of AAAAA

Relationships

How do you know when you're ready for a relationship?

Like I'm genuinely questioning anybody reading this cause I don't know.

I mean, there are standards, intimacy ,and of course staying with that person you are with and never straying unless it's breakup time.

I'm not sure if I've said this in previous chapters but I'm shit in all those factors!

Like I have had too many crushes with too many different people and personalities. I don't have much of a standard other than being both serious when it's serious and funny when it's funny.

That being my only item on the list makes the market extremely wide but now we have intimacy.

I don't want to have an extremely  intimate relationship from the start. And I say that because of my past experiences seeing relationships fall apart like that.

My mom for example is a real swinger who likes to keep her options open at any point of time. She'd be that lady you call to have a quick fuck and then go back to just talking. So is my sister. There is no relationship. No love. Just fuck.

And I hated that growing up. I'm not sure about others but I don't feel positive about sex before marriage.

Mostly cause young children having that kind of relationship doesn't seem like all that much. I mean sex at such a young age is like throwing away such a sweet experience to somebody you probably won't be with!

Although it seems easier to find fucks than to have an actual relationship these days. Kinda saddens me at times.

I feel like I'm getting off topic now. So last thing is the straying eyes and being with somebody in a deeper way. That sounds like heaven and hell to me.

Like my worst fear is to be alone so I love having people near and to make new friends but it's just another fear I have is disappointing others.

I'm a real people pleaser and when I don't please people, I feel like I disappointed someone in some way.

And I'm pretty sure that most of you know that I'm pretty possessive or jealous at times. I pointed that out on the first chapter of this book that I like for things to be specifically mine.

I don't feel bad when I claim ownership over items but the whole jealousy thing with people seems to be extremely undesirable.

I mean any time I talk to some of my friends about this they always say ' I don't want someone who gets jealous over the smallest things.'

I get jealous over the smallest things!

And if it's not my friends who say that, it's people posting all over the internet about it. Then the ones who don't mind a jealous lover are extremely kinky!

How? Jealousy doesn't always mean 'let me mark you for life'. And for me, it doesn't mean 'i don't trust you enough'. To be honest it just means that I don't want you to leave or have more fun with someone else than me. It's always about me not being enough.

Think of it like an irrational fear. Ya know what I just might make a whole chapter on this cause I have a lot to say about this.

But bottom line, honestly not sure if I should get into relationships but I do want to be with someone eventually. Just maybe not right now.