Okay so I am a perfectionist. I could spend half my life working on something and still be like 'this part back here doesn't look right. It's time to scrap it and start from the beginning.' I'm also thinking that's why I put so much effort into first impressions and friendships. Like if I don't think a new friendship will work out from the beginning then even the thought of being friends would disappear.
BUT! That's not what this chapter is fully about. It's about me being a perfectionist to myself. I don't like how I look all the time. I always say I'm fabulous to my friends and family ,but that's just part of what I believe. I believe that if you were to wake up in the morning, stub your toe, and say "It's going to be that kind of day". It's going to be that kind of day! You cursed yourself from the start!
Therefore, anytime I have a negative thought that I want to say or think of for the day. I just find the exact opposite adjectives and say that. That's why I seem so confident. I've had people come up to me and say they admire my confidence, ability to say what I think, or stand up for things that they couldn't.
I'm not saying that isn't a good thing, but I want to have a reason to be so confident and inspiring. I mean I call myself a queen, a beautiful goddess, or an innocent flower. I say that, so I can be that. I look in the mirror and still see the girl before she adopted that way of thinking and how she didn't like to look in the mirror.
Sure I look at my face and think of good things naturally. Mostly because I spend a lot of time doing care routines. But then I look at my body and my clothes don't look that flattering anymore. And I know why.
I do yoga, I exercise and try to get my family into it, and I cut down my eating time and eat healthy with the occasional cheat day. I do all the things that would be healthy and makes me lose weight. Then I check back and I've gained 10 pounds. I haven't told anyone that ,of course, because I'm still trying to figure out how that happened.
I don't know ,but now I'm entering the red zone of my decision making. Imbalance. I call it that because whenever I feel like a part of my life is going to shit, I make equally shitty decisions that I don't the real consequence of. I know the outcome of this.
Each time I choose to do something to counterattack the failure in my life and try to fix everything. I think I'm doing good and whenever someone tells me otherwise ,I think ' they'll thank me for this later.'
Obviously, this is why I call it a red zone. I go to as far as possible to achieve one goal and think that all the people's hands I've crushed is them not knowing the benefits. But really, it's just me being delusional.
I've had this happened multiple times in my life before and each time resulted in something bad for people around me. All that mattered was the thing I earned and I didn't realize how bad of a thing this was until middle school.
Of course, I won't go into what happened in middle school that made me realize how bad of thing this was. Mostly cause of stuff I've mentioned in previous chapters.
But this time is different because I'll be doing this to myself knowing the full consequences ,both good and bad. Of course cheat days will be a thing. I'll just create my own diet taking in account of other people's experiences.
And I know my friends occasionally read my stories ,so just to be sure. I'll slowly ease into things and see how I do. If I do lose weight, then I'll keep going, but if I start to become mentally unstable ,I 'll stop. That way nothing will go wrong.
so yepporoni
