At Your Service ✓

[Chapter Fourteen] Shawn

Chapter Fourteen – Shawn

Next stop was the office from the number my doctor gave me but I wasn’t sure I would come again. I didn’t want them to look at it and then discharge me and take my career away. I planned to retire from the Army and I loved it.

I sat there waiting and then I was called back.

“Hello Mr. Sorci, what can I do for you?” he asked

“My doctor wants me to talk to you. He thinks I have PTSD and issues from my last deployment.” I wasn’t liking it already.

“And you don’t think you do?” he asked

“No. I think we all see shit and we all figure out how to deal with it in our own way.”

“Do you have flashbacks?” he asked me and I shrugged

“We all think about it, what happened, what we could have done different.”

“What do you think about?” he asked

“If I could have done anything different, if I missed something, if I could have saved them.”

“From what I understand you saved nearly everyone.”

“How do you know that?” I asked annoyed

“I’m paid to know and I have access to your file. If you wanted more privacy you should have seen a civilian doctor.”

“I didn’t save them all, there are three children that are going to grow up without a father, tell their wives and kids how I saved nearly everyone but I couldn’t save them.”

“And there are a number of children that will continue to have a father because of you, you were very heroic.”

“I’m not a hero I did my job.” I hated when people called me that. Maybe if I got them all out.

“It was heroic enough to get you a”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I cut him off

“Shawn.”

“I started sleeping with someone.” I threw out there to try to get him to drop it; he didn’t need to know the full details about it and I didn’t want to do this whole take it slow bullshit they liked to do. If I was going to talk, I was going to talk.

“Okay.”

“I choked the shit out of her today and now she’s afraid of me and doesn’t want to see me.”

“You did what?” he asked me with wide eyes

“She slapped me because I slapped her because she touched my chest and I don’t like it when people touch my chest. I’m here to give this shit a try because I don’t want to hurt people.”

I sounded so fucking lame right now.

“What happened after you hurt her?”

“I tried to tell her I was sorry and help her and she bolted. When I went to her house to try again she threatened to stab me.” Kitty had a temper.

“And then what?” he asked intently

“I flicked open my knife and gave it to her and told her to go ahead and try”

“Did she?” he asked me

“No. she pointed out I had a gun so I tossed her the bullets and put the gun aside empty.”

“How long have you known her?” he asked me and I shrugged

“A few weeks.”

“And if she tried to shoot or stab you?” he asked me and I rolled my eyes

“The gun was near me she had the bullets and I’d love to see her try to kill me with a knife. I’ve gone one on one with people who had knives and they ended up dead every time.”

“You would have killed her?” he asked me and I scoffed

“Of course not; simply taking it away would have been sufficient.” He looked at me like he was trying to figure me out; I hated that look.

“How do you sleep?” he asked

“Terribly when I do manage to, usually I end up running.”

“And you don’t think you have a problem?” he asked me

“No.”

“Okay well I’d like to see you again; you’ll need to get a pass from me to be considered for deployment again.”

“Yeah I know and it’s bullshit.” I stood up and he shook my hand and I left. I hated talking about my feelings and shit there was no need for feelings.

I went somewhere and almost died. I know I could and some lived while some died. It’s life and it happens but at the same time these men were like brothers and it was hard to lose a brother.

I went home and drank a few beers not caring about trying to stay sober right now.

I went for a run that night and stayed out late and went for another one in the morning before physical therapy. I was home and heated up the rest of the enchilada’s Mari made and washed the dishes and wondered how I was going to give her containers back.

She didn’t show up that night and I didn’t blame her, I guess I would have to figure something else out.

I felt nothing and I was glad. She made me feel to many damn things and that little girl of hers made me want to have a family one day and that made me weak.

I didn’t want to have kids and I didn’t want a wife. I didn’t want someone missing me while I was gone and I didn’t want anyone to suffer if I died. I was better off just hooking up and being single because feelings and relationships complicated things and I was better off, I didn’t like complications. 

Short chapter, i know. he goes back and forth and this is part of his struggle, it's not very descriptive because it's cupposed  to be more emotionless

Not sure exactly how therapy all works with it but i'm trying my best :)