Everyone Breaks 2

-.16 Your Love Hurts

Love
ləv/

noun:
A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.

An intense feeling of deep affection

Verb:
feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
_____________

Does Pavel love me. He uses the word now like he's just learned a spacial new thing. Like it's part of his every day vocabulary, when he's never said it to me before.

How can you claim to love someone, then hurt them. He's told me he's doing it out of love for me. That's not true. I know it's not true...I think it's not true...maybe it's not true..maybe it is true...maybe that's his way of showing love...maybe it could be true...is it true. Do the guys love me in their sick twisted way.

You know how some people you learn & grow to love. Other people you know early on that you feel those strong feelings of love for them. I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight & lust at first sight.

I admited to myself that I loved Pavel the 4th week I knew him. That's longer then my average waiting period. I'm a romantic. I always have been. I want love & care. That's why I've had my heart broken in the past.

I started getting feelings the first dang week, but tried to guard my heart until I knew him more. He seemed charismatic, sweet, fun to be around & protective. He was easy to talk to & even claimed to be a Christian. I let down my guard with him. The night he took me to stargaze, I could see a life with him. I even pictured how our kids would look when we talked about our pretend kids.

I never thought he would ever betray or hurt me. I thought he was cute & a gentleman. The tattoos & muscles were a major bonus.

Now I don't know what to do. All of these past thoughts come to my mind of amazing Pavel. It's like I can't erase them. Then I remember the pain he's given me. So much pain. So many bruises. I can't erase those either.

How can these 2 different men share one body & one mind. He burned the mark in my neck. He punched me in the face. He tied me up and he raped me over & over again while I layed unconscious. I look at him & want to cry sometimes.

Even now with this talk of love & caring for me. He's confusing me. I really think it's the lack of sleep. It's been 3 full days that I've spent with him. I've slept maybe 6 hours total. It's just like the basement. He leaves me tied up at night to the X on the wall.

He leaves me there with random music blasting when I dose off like someone is watching me. I guess he sleeps in the Guest room while he's sleep depriving me.

I don't know how it doesn't wake anyone else up, but I'm guessing his room is away from everyone else. In the morning, I get my only item of clothes, the robe Zac gave me. The girls are brought to me. I feed them & care for them & try not to fall asleep holding them.

Surprisingly, he's let me feed the girls 4 times a day once I told him how many times they normally eat & that my boobs hurt when I dont. I think he looked it up on line to make sure I wasn't lying. It seems like he cares if I'm in pain that way. Like he only wants me in pain if he's giving it to me.

I don't complain because I don't want them saying some crap like "ok you can sleep 30 more minutes & only see them at night."

So 4 times a day, I see the girls so my boobs won't explode from not feeding, ok exaggeration but still... He had the nerve to buy me a really good pump set the other day too. I don't know how I'm supposed to take that gift. I thinks it's his way of saying, if he stops me from seeing them, I can still give them milk or he doesn't want me hurting from that & whatever he's going to do to me...how caring.