Hell Spawn (Book 1)

Chap 19

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

That's all I am. All I ever will be. I'm stupid, good for nothing, don't deserve to live, a waste of space.

WORTHLESS.

That's what they told me. I'm babied. I don't understand what they mean. I've seen things. I've heard things. I've experienced things. I'm a kid! I- I'm not a kid. I'm a monster. EVERYTHING IS DARK.

I just want it to be light again. I hate the dark, I've spent so much time in the dark, I don't remember the last time I saw light. Of course there was Rin's and Vince's wedding but...who. WHO are they? Why do I have names in my head. WHY!? I am stupid, for not knowing who the people I remember are. I hate it. I've been here before, I've experienced this before.

"OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I-I didn't mean to! It was an accident!"

"He's dead! How is that an accident! What the hell did you do!?"

Crying, tears stream down my face. I DIDN'T MEAN TO! Why won't anybody believe me!?

I feel sick. I'm on my own in the dark, it's been awhile since I was on my own in the dark. I had Kara before, I even had Zander before. They helped. I really was babied, I'm fifteen and yet I'm still scared of the dark. I still need the girl I see as my sister to hold me as I cry because of the monsters and demons I see in the shadows. I don't like having Z hold me when it's the dark. Z loves the dark. It's somewhere the flashing lights can't get us. I should embrace the dark like they have. But I can't.

"YOU MONSTER!"

"HOW COULD YOU KILL SOMEBODY!"

"PYSHCO!"

"I-I didn't want to hurt him okay!? I didn't have a choice! It was me or him! You would of done the same!"

It's never going to leave me what I had to do. Who I had to KILL. Those stupid lights. I DIDN'T WANT TO. You have to understand, you have to listen. I NEVER wanted to kill that man. I didn't. No matter what those damn guards said. I didn't. Those lights...they...they mess with you. And the ringing. I can't stand it! I can hear it in my ears still sometimes. Whenever I get angry it's always there. The urge to do something is always there with the ringing.

The urge to hurt someone.

The urge to KILL.

It never leaves. Why won't it leave.

"Dec! Declan, it's gonna be fine! You're gonna be fine! The most that's gonna happen is they lock you in solitary for a few weeks. That's all. You're gonna be fine."

"I KILLED SOMEBODY! DON'T YOU GET IT!? YOU- YOU SAW WHAT THEY DID TO KARA!"

"YOU WILL BE OKAY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!"

Scary. I hate it when Z shouts, it's scary. I feel like a little kid.

But, that's what I am. A kid. Not a monster. A kid.