The fear in me

Jason

I'm flabbergasted. That girl certainly has energy. To the cinema? That's impossible! There's little room there and you are forced to touch other people. Why can't she simply leave me in peace?

My feelings are going up and down. I'm thinking of the dream I just had. I was laughing and being normal, with no fear, and Nay was at my side and we kissed – that was just crazy, I've never had dreams like that. I actually held her in my arms with no dread and nightmares. After waking up I felt something in me that scared me to death, and then she was standing at the door. As though somebody had projected her out of my dream. She looked so determined and wonderful and I was suddenly caught in something unknown. I wanted more, but at the same time I felt the familiar panic rising up in me. But my whole defence smacked up against a wall, a very determined Nay wall.

How on earth did she do that?

Why did she not just run away?

"I'll come for you at 5.30. We'll go and eat something first ..." Those words keep going through my head. They are innocent, but dangerous ... they yell the words: Take care! Again and again ...and the first time in my life I'd like to ignore the words of warning.

I tear my hair and notice a scream manifesting in me. It is a yearning I can scarcely master. It is new and confusing and rules my whole body and my senses.

My thoughts are racing. I'm deranged! I haven't deserved friends! But I need some. I need one! Nay! What am I to do? Feelings and reason are struggling against each other and looking for a way out. But then, after a struggle that seems to last forever, my reason gives up and I take a deep breath. What can happen? I have protection: my gloves, my jeans, and the pullover. Nobody will get too close to me. I could sit right at the back at the end of the hall. I just have to explain it. I want to be normal for one day – with no fears. I have to feel something normal, or else I'll go off my head. And my decision is firm. I'll go with her.

Sharon is overjoyed when I tell her I'm going with Nay to the cinema. I've never seen her looking so satisfied. My foster mother really does try her very best. I know how hard it is for her to restrain her outbreaks of feeling. I'm sorry I'm so sick. I really want to be normal, but the thought of being touched sets my legs in motion and I want only to run far away and yell ...

Punctually at 5.30 p.m. there is a ringing at the door. When I open it, for a start I'm speechless. I've never seen a more beautiful girl that Nay. Her red top make her dark blue eyes glisten, and her blonde hair is wavy at the tips and gives a framework to her natural beauty. She's wearing only a little makeup, and even that she does not need. Her jeans are firm and tight and short, you see her long legs. She seems infinite. My mouth wants to frame a "wow!" but I bridle myself in the last second. Instead I try to look as bored as possible. That's the way to keep her at a distance, that much is clear. It'd be even worse if she spontaneously embraced me or did something like that. I'm shaking inwardly at the thought. That would really be a catastrophe!

"Are you ready?" she asks me, and her blue eyes are even more radiant. Yearning is burning within me. She is breathtaking! My words stick in my throat, so I just nod.

"Well, let's go!" she says, and hops over to her car. A little blue Honda fit. How suitable!

I open the passenger door and get in. It smells of lemon. I love that odour. It reminds me of Nay. Innocent and pure. Oh, damn it! I'm utterly lost ...

"We'll eat something first," she interrupts my disastrous thoughts. "In Sophienhof and Cinemaxx there's a huge assortment of international dishes. What would you most like to eat?" she asks, and I notice that's she striving to sound casual.

"Is there an Italian place?" I ask. She beams at me and my heart makes a leap.

"Yes ... I'll get something for me too at the Italian place. Tim hates noodles and pasta. He'd sooner have steak and burgers," she says, more to herself, and she blushes.

"Who's Tim?"

"Ahem ... he's our neighbour ... on the other side." She gestures to the left and then adds: "He lives near me. I've known him as long as I can think." Again she goes red. Red as a tomato. That Tim seems to have really impressed her. A feeling of jealousy overcomes me. But I shake it away again. "Is Tim in the party too?" I ask.

"Yes, he'll come with his girlfriend Maya." Do I catch a trace of regret?

"Why didn't he travel with us if he lives next to us?" I drill further.

"He had something on, probably with Maya ... we'll all meet up in Cinemaxx," she answers and sounds hopeless.

"Aha, you want to make him jealous of me, is that it?" I ask provocatively.

Dismay spreads over her face and I notice immediately that she had not even thought of that. So why the devil has she brought me along?

"I simply want you to get to know some from your school!" she explains at last, and I believe her. "Friends are important!" she adds, and in her eyes is a sadness that I don't quite understand. "It must have been hard to change schools in your last year, I guess?"

"Not really!" I mutter, then I expect further questions about my old school, but Nay stays silent.

We drive on in silence. A quarter of an hour later we are in the parking lot and get out.

"I've never yet had to park right at the top. It must be really full today!" she sighs, and looks around.

Crowds of people? An icy cold shiver of fear runs down my spine. I run my hand across my forehead and suddenly notice I've forgotten my gloves. Shit! How am I supposed to stay away from all of those people? What have I let myself in for?

"Hey, everything okay with you? Suddenly you're so pale!" she remarks, and her eyes look at me with compassion. Or is it not compassion at all, but something quite different? I don't know! She's driving me crazy! Because of her I've forgotten my gloves, I think in anger. She distracted me!

"Jason?" I hear her asking softly, and I explode like a champagne bottle that's been shaken. "It's nothing at all!" I hiss and I see how she flinches. I'm immediately sorry, but I can't take it back because a vision suddenly races through my head: empty, cold eyes capture me with their gaze: "Run, Jason, run!" they're calling out. But I can only stare. They come closer, closer and closer, bloody hands are snatching at me and I'm incapable of running away ... You're the next ... Soon – I hear someone say ... we'll get you .. you're ours ...