The fear in me

Jason

When Nay comes into the classroom I see straight off that she's been crying. I could give myself an uppercut for my nasty behaviour. I check myself from running over to her and taking her in my arms. It seems Tim has also seen that Nay has been crying. He goes to her and embraces her – because he can. Argh! But she just waves him away. He says something and then kisses her on the cheek. Nay is red and her gaze finally lands on me. I look away quickly, but know she has seen me observing her.

The lesson simply slips by me and I'm a long way off in my thoughts.

When school finishes I can say I have got nothing, nothing at all, from the lessons. I couldn't make any comment on any subject or give information on anything.

And it occurs to me that I have to go back with Nay and Tim. Rotten!

Nay is waiting at her car and saying nothing. Tim talks all the more. He's telling about some incident or other on the weekend, some pair that have separated that were together for an eternity, blah blah blah ...

"I would never have thought that of Bianca!" he bad-mouths. "Who told you that it was Bianca ... Teresa said that Josh had gone with another girl before that! Nothing to do with us ..." says Nay.

"But Josh still wants to have her, he told Kay that. I wouldn't give her another chance ..."

"Tim, you don't even know the full story. You straight away take sides. And because Josh hasn't given up on Bianca it couldn't have been so bad, could it?"

"He just loves her ..." Tim justifies himself. "You have no idea what a person can do when he's in love."

I think I hear Nay say "Oh yes, I have!" but I'm not sure.

Tim looks at her and says: "Nay, can we talk about it? I could come over to you and we could have a lovely day. Just the two of us ..."

Nay looks into the rear vision mirror and moves uneasily back and forth on her seat. Tim seems to have completely left me out of the picture, because he turns around and snorts loudly.

The same to you, I think and in thought I give him the finger.

The trip seems endless to me, especially because we're all keeping silence. When we arrive, I jump out and run to our house without saying "Goodbye". I want nothing to do with Tim. I want to talk to Nay alone. I want to apologise. I have to make it up to her or I'll go mad. I must also talk to Sharon; it can't be that she told Nay about my problems.

Sharon is on the ball and so I delay my discussion with her. She asks me question after question and wants to know everything about my first day. I lie that everyone was nice to me and eat quickly, then excuse myself because I have to do homework. In truth I haven't a clue what homework tasks I have. So I'll have to ask somebody. Instantly I think of Nay. I look across to her house. Her curtains are drawn. I'm frustrated. I walk up and down in my room in disquiet and try to get Nay out of my head. No chance!

I fetch my guitar and start writing a song.

My conduct takes me away from you.

I can't and mustn't think: you're mine.

I certainly won't do that because I care nothing for you.

Even if I know you'll think that.

So many sinful thoughts I cannot contain

When I look at you:

R: