The fear in me

Nay

All day Jason has not moved away from my side. I would never have thought a boy could be scared of the female sex. But Jason is shocked and, to be honest, so am I. How can girls be so pushy? Haven't they any understanding of the fact that Jason is panicking terribly?

And it's not just Dina, they are many more and they're making sheep's eyes at Jason and interrogating him – in my presence!

Jason is shy and retiring and the closer somebody goes to him the more he moves closer to me, and he's got sheer horror in his eyes. I'd most like to yell at all of them to leave him alone, but I don't know whether that would encourage them even more.

When finally school finishes it's a great relief to me. We go down the school steps and I'm thinking only that that was the longest and worst day of my life!

"That was the worst day of my life," Jason confirms to me and so doing expresses what I'm feeling.

"Yes, who'd have thought things would develop like that?" I shake my head in disbelief. Jason, the honey for the lady-bees! But he doesn't want that at all, though every other boy in our school would like to be in his place.

"Nay!" a familiar voice calls and I stand still.

"What do you want, Tim? You've caused enough mischief today." Tim looks at me and then over to Jason. "It's not my fault that his tactics seem to be successful with the female sex ..." He pulls a face of disgust.

"That's not tactics!" I call out louder than I intended. "You've got no idea how much he suffers from it."

"How can you be suffering when half of the girls want to get to know you?" he asks incredulously.

Wow! "I don't get it. Maybe that's right for you, but Jason just wants to be left in peace."

Tim laughs. "Come on ... he can stop the rubbish now. He's already got them all in his pocket, but that you'd fall for it I would never have thought, but oh well!"

How ignorant can a person be? What was I thinking when I was keen on him for so long? How could I be so blind? He's a complete idiot!

Anger is welling up in me, but just as I am about to yell it out my arm is grabbed.

"He doesn't mean it that way. He's just blind and out of his mind with jealousy!" Jason whispers into my ear.

I try to calm down while I'm watching Tim, who's looking at me with a glance that shows how hurt he is. I take a deep breath in and look into his eyes. "Tim, I never wanted to hurt you, but it's happened. I'm now in a relationship with Jason. I'm there for you if you need me, and at the moment I can't give you anything more."

On his face a roller coaster of emotions is showing – pain, hope, regret, yearning, rage ... love. All of those feelings are something I can understand.

I really should have been honest straight away. I should have told him I'm completely fascinated by Jason. But who would have thought that it could all have happened so quickly?

"I'm sorry!" I force through my lips.

Tim nods. "Me too!" he says and then he takes me in his arms; it sounds muted when he speaks into my ear as though he's holding back tears: "Nay, I'll always be there for you even if you're a pair with him ..."

"That's good to know, Tim. Thanks! I ... I really didn't want this ..." Now my tears run. I fell his arms more firmly clutch my body. I have the feeling he wants never to let me go, but someone clears his throat and we move apart. Tim looks at Jason and I do too. Jason looks at me unhappily and pain courses through my heart. I wipe the tears from my eyes and stare as if in shock at his sad face.

Have I hurt him now? Why am I now hurting everybody close to my heart?

Another throat-clearing makes me look sideways, and on the stairway Kay is standing. He grins and says, "Ready, Tim?"

Tim nods, apparently incapable of saying anything else. He grabs Kay's arm and they go very quickly down the stairs with him, and they don't look back.

"Are you okay?" Jason asks.

"Yes, I hate hurting him, but at least he knows now that I'm interested in only one boy ..."

"And his name is?"

"Jason!" I say and smile. "The boy who has my heart is called Jason and I'd like to kiss him. So let's go, off to home!"

"I've got nothing against that," he says, sounding relieved. In his voice and his gaze I notice that he doubted my love for him. But I'm a hundred percent sure that we belong together. I intend to show him that. And I have to get home as quickly as possible because I can hardly resist kissing him here in public.

When we reach home, Jason runs straight to the computer to see if a message has come in. But he's disappointed.

"Maybe the guy's busy," I conjecture.

"Maybe," says Jason, and keeps looking at the screen.

"Jason, it'll all turn out well," I quieten him down, and turn his computer chair in my direction. Then I bend down to him and kiss him. "Some things just take longer," I whisper.

"If you're here I don't mind how long it takes," he whispers and then we kiss.

I don't know how he does it, but I could lose myself in him and never come back, so great is my feeling for him. As always he at some point he puts the brakes on me ... that cannot be true. Why can I never control myself as soon as he touches me? He attracts me so magically as if he'd bewitched me.

"Nay, you feel incredibly good. I feel as though I've been switched, as though you'd bewitched me and now I'm somebody else." Bingo, my words!!!

"Do you know you always express what I'm thinking?" I ask him puzzled.

"Aha, you've been concealing something from me," he says acting annoyed.

"No, true! It's happened quite often that I've thought something and suddenly you say it. Jason, can you read my thoughts?" I ask him smiling.

"Of course; you want to kiss me more and never stop," he assumes and I call out loud, "Oh my God, you can read my thoughts. I'm lost."

Theatrically I grab my head. He gives a loud laugh and takes my hands to pull me onto the bed.

"One moment more, then we'll do the homework," he explains seriously.

"Spoilsport!" I bleat and let him kiss me to make it up. I'm absolutely happy. Never had I had such a feeling. I feel a closer link to Jason than I ever expected. And so I finally whisper, "I love you, Jason!"