The fear in me

Nay

Jason has clearly not had much contact with other people. I have the feeling that he has particularly extreme fear even though he had just yelled at me furiously. The way he acts is so bizarre. His eyes are full of fear, as though he's looking at something bad. But there's nothing there! He follows me to the lifts in a trance and says nothing.

My heart seizes up because I feel helpless. Somehow Jason touches me inwardly and I want to give him security, but I don't know how to go about it. How do you calm somebody down without touching him? That's impossible. I'm sure that words alone can't do it. But he's here! And he's trying to overcome his fear and somehow that makes me proud.

My heart relaxes and is now beating faster. Oh man, I'm just as confused as he is ... sigh! I can't even describe what I'm feeling. It is at least a totally different feeling than what I have with Tim. With Tim it's more a matter of habit! Did I just think that? At last the lift arrives and interrupts my shocking thoughts.

A cramped look is terrible if you're not speaking, and Jason can be silent for a very long time. I peer over at him and keep the security distance that Jason has instinctively determined. His hands have made fists in his jeans. As though he wants to hide them from me.

And anyway: he's dressed as though he's expecting a total upheaval of the weather at any moment. And yet we still have, surprisingly, temperatures of about 20 degrees Celsius, which is something quite unusual for the north of Germany. He should really be enjoying the weather. But he isn't! Is that all connected with his fears? Is he protecting himself against contact with others, is that what Sharon meant? I can imagine that some people look on him as queer for that, and I get angry at the thought that somebody could make fun of him.

"Are you looking forward to the new school?" I ask him at last, and I get annoyed at my own ridiculous question. But I simply want to hear his voice.

He looks at me agitatedly and then he gives a deep sigh. As though he's relieved that I'm still talking to him.

"It's all right!" he finally whispers. "I'm not a great fan of new situations."

"Oh, it'll work out!" I answer encouragingly. "We really have a top class school. They're all extra nice there!"

I see him pulling his hands out of his trouser pockets and then hide them in the sleeves of his pullover. Okay, he's clearly afraid of being touched – if it isn't a phobia!

"I just want to be left in peace!" he explains to me even more softly.

"Well, then you've probably moved into the wrong neighbourhood!" I hope that he hears in my tone that I don't intend leaving him in peace. Then he falls silent again with his eyes lost in thought.

I'm still trying to find out what he can be thinking as we set off for Sophienhof.

From afar I see Tanja and Kay, who are holding our regular table in front of our favourite Chinese restaurant. So we're not the first ones to arrive. "Hi!" I call out to them merrily.

Tanja beams at me. We've known each other since kindergarten and she is along with Tim my best friend. Since the summer holidays she's been with Tim's best friend Kay and the two of them are just so happy together. It's always been hard lately to see her with Kay, because he keeps reminding me that Tim doesn't want me. Since Kay has been with Tanja he looks me over more than usual, and I have a feeling Tanja has revealed to him my feelings for Tim. But maybe I'm just too open. At any rate I don't fail to catch her glance as I approach them with Jason. Both of them survey him in astonishment. I'm with another boy – that's certainly something new. I give an internal sigh.