The fear in me

Jason

Drunk with sleep I look at my alarm clock and sit up in fright. It's already 10.25. I groan. I've slept a rather long time. My head is full and my thoughts wander off to Nay who looked so worried yesterday and whom I rebuffed so harshly. It was terrible to see her like that, so I lay down immediately and gobbled two sleeping tablets so I wouldn't have to think any more about it.

Nevertheless I of course dreamed about her. It was so beautiful that I wonder what it's like to really kiss and caress her. I have never yet kissed a girl or hugged her. That yearning was never in me ... until now. Of course I can't ever kiss Nay, but still I can dream about it.

Does she hate me now? She said yesterday that she had looked for me. Is that why she drove off again? Why should she be worried about me? It's not as though we've known each other for a long time.

And yet I feel attracted to her as if she were my sheet anchor. But there's Tim too, her great love. But did she really say that? Is he really her great love?

Here I am brooding again. That can't be true. What has that girl done to me? I have passionate sexy dreams about her and in my head it's as though she were there engraved.

I get up and look at my earphones. Strange. I must have snatched them off yesterday, and as well I've thrown my blanket over myself. Normally I lie only on my sheet. Well, I did have vivid dreams.

I remember them and am immediately worked up. I've never dreamt so intensely. It was wonderful! Better than all the nightmares I usually have.

I pull the curtains open and look at Nay's window. It's as though she's been waiting for this.

She's sitting on her window sill and gazing over at my window. When our eyes meet she starts grinning. I'm too flabbergasted and grin back. So she's not mad at me? She's gesticulating with her arms and pointing to the window. I nod and open it. She opens hers too.

"Well, have you had a good sleep?" she asks softly.

"Yes!" I answer monosyllabically and hope she can't see how excited I am.

"Have you had breakfast?"

"No!"

"Should we have breakfast together?"

It's beyond me that she hasn't given up. I shrug.

"Come on, Jason, I don't bite!"

"Well, maybe I do bite!" I give back. Is she blushing? She falls silent for a while and looks at me.

"I dreamt of you!" she says.

I did of you too, I think. But I'll never tell her what sort of dreams I had. "Nightmares?" I ask grinning. She blushes again.

"No!" she says and keeps silent, biting on her wonderfully beautiful lips.

Then after a while she asks, "Jason, don't you want to eat breakfast with me? I'd like to talk with you."

I think of my yearning and how hard it is to resist her, and shake my head.

She sighs out loud, "Okay ... so it's no," and she looks disappointed.

If only she knew how much I want to get involved with her. But we must not .. I must not hurt her. I think of the psychologist that came closer and closer when I was ten, and got a kick from me. It was some sort of reflex action!

I'm about to close the window when she says, "I'll come for you on Monday to take you to school ... at 7.30. Don't forget that!"

How could I forget that? I nod and then finally close the window. She's still sitting on her window sill and gazing at me. I wonder what she dreamed about me? She says it wasn't nightmares. Phew! But why did she blush? I'll probably never find out. I go to the shower and relieve myself, with my thoughts on Nay only.

All day I barricade myself in my room. In the afternoon I see Tim at Nay's place and I'm shocked. Jealousy is eating away at me inside and I can't do anything about it. What most annoys me is that Tim closed the curtain when he caught sight of me. Now I don't know whether he's kissing her again the way he did yesterday. Are the two of them together now? Is that why she was so jolly? Did she want to talk with me about that? The thought drives me crazy!

I'm just about to swallow the whole tube of sleeping tablets so I can stay calm and survive the corrosive day. But I restrain myself. Sharon trusts that I know how to use the medication, and if she knew that I took two yesterday she'd certainly be mad at me. But I don't want that. So I lie down on the bed, put on my earphones, and listen to the sounds of Mozart. The dreams of yesterday rise up in me again. Nay is before my mental eyes and I yearn to hold her as I did in my dreams. But the intense dreams of yesterday are not repeated and I'm disappointed. I sit down in front of the window and peek at Nay's room. Early in the evening Nay opens her curtains again and looks over at me.

Damn it, I want to speak with her, and I open my window. She does the same. She's sitting on the window sill and looks at me. "Hi, Jason!" she says and grins.

I grin back, "Hi!"

"Have you had enough sleep?" she asks.

"Yes!"

"Is it going to be another monosyllabic conversation!" she remarks with laughter in her voice.

"No!"

"Sorry?"

"No, I promise I'll talk more with you!" Oh man, I sound really daft ...

She laughs. "Okay, that's good."

"How was your afternoon?" I ask, hoping I don't sound jealous.

"Quite good," she says hesitantly.

"Are you with Tim now?" the words spill out of me.

"No, I'm not with Tim. Honestly, I don't know if I still want that," she says quietly.

I wonder whether she's telling the truth. "But you kissed him yesterday and ..."

"So you were observing us ..." she interrupts me and looks at me as if she expects a specific reaction from me.

I wince, as if she had come too close to me. "Probably I looked over at some time ..." I explain defensively.

"And so?" she asks.

"And so what?"

"What did you think when you saw us together?" She's still looking at me so intensely that I get goose bumps.

"What was I supposed to think ... great for you two!" I lie.

"That's what you thought? So it's okay with you if the two of us are a pair?" she asks disbelievingly.

"I thought you don't know if you still want that!" I call out in shock and wish fervently that I could take back my words.

She shakes her head and looks at me. "What do you want, Jason? What's going on in your mind?"

"Nothing!:" I answer far too quickly.

"Is that why you treat me like that?"

"How am I treating you?"

She hesitates and lets her gaze drop. "Hot and cold ..." she whispers, and her words give me a pang because she's right. But what am I to do?

"I ... I know you're doing that only as a self-protection," I hear her mutter.

"Maybe I'm simply not good enough for other people ..." I mutter back.

"That's not right!" she growls. I've treated her badly and yet she's so nice to me. Why? Is it pity? Yes, it must be, she's so caring and is thinking of the poor boy who by a silly coincidence is also her neighbour. She wants to help me. And I would so happily let myself be helped if I knew it would succeed, but nobody's been able to help me yet.

Now I'm annoyed with myself. When I'm near her my feelings go haywire and I can't think straight. What if I threw a tantrum and hurt her? That thought pulls me back to reality ...

"Oh, I can see your defence is about to come, isn't it? I believe I already know you well ..." Nay sighs.

"You really don't know me, Nasya. And I can give you only a good piece of advice: keep your distance from me!" And I slam the window shut and pull the curtain. That way I cut off Nay.